Back to the Drawing board

It is almost the middle of December and this project is about to reach its first birthday. My dedication has dwindled, but my topics and life events have in no way evaporated. I have become more busy and have lost steam. I guess my real-life burnout filtered into my burnout for writing. Life has only gotten more interesting, harder, and I've only learned more about myself. In addition, I've had brief moments where I've started several posts, but fallen asleep or run off to more adventurous things and left the thoughts to be completed later. Later being, tonight, the first quiet night in months. A quiet Saturday night, when only due to poor planning, I'm home alone. I'm supposed to be in Columbus at my sisters after delivering presents to foster children in Macon, but the presents were locked in a room and took this as a sign to take a break and breath. Tonight I will finish my posts. Tonight I will write about some issues weighing on my heart and lastly, tonight I will give my site a face lift. In doing all this I'm taking time for myself, the thing I find most difficult.

How to Save a Life

This week has been plagued with Death. Not death by sickness. Not death by tragic accident. Not death by old age. This death is much more heartbreaking. This death is by choice. This death is out of sadness. I've never thought much about suicide until the last year. In the last year I've had people close to me open up about their desires not to live. I've felt the burden of individuals so lost that they don't see the point, and I've cried for hours over the idea that life can be so sad. Worse, I've seen why they feel this way, I've seen the sorrow and overwhelm of the world.

I witnessed a suicide attempt this week by a twelve year old boy. I don't know how to get over this shock. Today I also find out that two young girls who attended my high school have taken their own life. I feel the weight of the world closing in among many people. Those I know and those I don't. Those I love and those I have indifference toward. The feeling of knowing that someone is this hopeless is without a solution. Is anyone really to blame for someone's suicide? Many people are left feeling burdened when someone close to them takes their own life; however, their is no single person ever responsible for a person's death. In addition, it is selfish for someone to take on this responsibility. An individual's decision to take their own life is the most independent and intimate decision a person can make and it is a decision that usually has solely to do with the person's own internal struggles.

However, the part of my personality that must fix everything, strives for a solution. How can I make the world better for others, how can I make the world better for myself and children that I may choose to have? How can we make individuals less hopeless? This is a very hopeless time.

My only answer is not an answer, nor is it complexly developed through research and planning. I've constantly gone over what the appropriate proto-call is and in my profession it is to call 911 when someone is actively suicidal. In my personal life, it is to let the person know I am there if they disclose they are considering it. In general, all this is only surface. What is most paramount to helping this problem is not done through lending advice nor is it done through calling officials. It is done through accepting and loving others, no matter what. This does not mean coddling. This does not mean excusing others hateful actions. This merely means acknowledging we cannot fully understand others intentions nor their internal convictions. We can only try our hardest not to make rash judgments. We can only try to show kindness as much as possible. We can only insure that we are not so closed off to the idea of trying to understand others, not through our own eyes but through the objective eyes of someone with selfless motives. And lastly, we can only make sure that we are not closed off to love and that we show love, in all of its capacities as much as we can. We can try to realize that we are worthy of love ourselves and let this guide us through the tough times. Lastly, we can realize that this is harder for some than others, and we can accept in their suicidal actions that they did not give up on us but on themselves. We can remember them fondly. We can find peace in their peace. We can love others more passionately and selflessly in their memory.

Is this being a grown up?

I've been bad about writing lately. I've also been bad about sleeping, nutrition, breathing, and having a life... I feel quite perplexed by the conundrum of my life. I've always strived for the life I have now. I'm advocating for justice, I'm financially stable, I've graduated college, and yet I feel so devestatingly left with the feeling that I'm just not cut out to this growing up business. :)

Then I force myself to logically realize that I am not a grown up, I am a grownup on steroids. Halfway through my work day today (this was at 4 pm, my day ended at 10) I was enlightened to the fact that I have a caseload of 29 children. This is 29 children I must see every month accross the state from Reynolds to Augusta to Marrietta to Stockbridge to timbuckto... Then their are the parents I must see and then their are the actual paper and legal responsibilities (an average of 3 court hearings a week and piles of paperwork and filing). Even for a social science major, it is clear that the math just doesn't add up. In a work month of less than 22 days, this is not realistic. No, it has not been like this since I started, and actually, with my previous case loads, I'd be able to manage. Instead I'm staying positive and keep reminding myself and my coworkers- we are doing the best we can and we must continue to keep our cool and take care of ourselves.

Am I doing this? Of course not, but the first step is admitting you have a problem. I've lagged in this step for the last year. In my defense I've also had to do a lot of growing up in a very short amount of time and realized that growing up is for the birds. My office finally hired someone younger than me and she is wonderful (just as everyone else at my office), but it reminded me, I am young and it is ok that I am young. I'm allowed to be young and this affords me the luxury of making more mistakes. It has also showed me exactly how grown up I am and how grown up I've always tried to be. This has all made me realize that being responsible does not mean loosing your inner child.

I spent 2 hours in the car with children and realized that in the last year and a half of working with children, I actually have spent less time with children than ever in my life. I got to play with them and love and them and work with a foster mom who reminded me why I am in this field. A foster mom who was open with and who we could share honestly and humanely and share an embrace over the three beautiful and overwhelmed children that we were helping.

The day was filled with court hearings, phone calls, driving, feeding children, changing children, redirecting children, more driving, and a moment when I almost lost my cool, when the passion from my less mature self resurfaced. A passion that in a professional setting may be considered unprofessional, but that felt good to get out. A passion that may have been mistakenly pushed to the surface, but because of my age and the circumstances is excusable and maybe even justified.

I am grown up, and I am in a situation where I have to act more grown up than most individuals ever may have to, but I'm becoming more comfortable and trying to reach the next step... a step where I take care of myself and get over my anger that their is no-one who can take care of me the way I take care of others and that I must be this person and not always try to be this person for the world. The world will survive if I take a moment to breath.

Stormy Weather

Do you know the feeling of the exhilarating breeze that often blows fiercely right before a big summer thudnerstorm? Standing outside in this moment before it starts to rain is one of the best feelings in the world to me. I love it best when I'm wearing a dress or skirt and have my hair down which makes me feel even more enveloped in the wind. It can be the most ordinary or stressful day and in this moment I don't care if my hair becomes tangled or my skirt blows up, I feel completely enamored and one with the wind. Seconds later, of course, I become aware that I may have shown my underwear to some unsuspecting bystandards, or like this week, that I now must go to court with disheveled hair. Usually however, I manage to spare others my underwear and can quickly run a hairbrush through, both simple steps well worth the feeling of the strong breeze. I like when days stay like this, when the wind stays perfect, not strong enough to make walking difficult nor weak enough to allow the summer heat to overtake the body as it usually does in the July and Augusts of Georgia. When this wind can sustain without the torrential downpours and inclement weather that generally quickly follow, it is a small miracle.

In our job, we often live in this wind, in a sense of anticipation of the storm or rain that has such potential to ruin our day. We have moments where we feel powerful and comfortable and overtaken with emotion, much like standing in these beautiful summer winds. We know there is always a high likelyhood of storm and that it is completely out of control, but there is a feeling of power when we stand in this wind. I know that often people pity my particular branch of social work in general, but I feel that almost all social workers and other helping professions probably feel this the same. The difference I believe lies in the power that so many feel that we actually have, when in actuallity we have very little power and those that appear to are often abusing a false sense of power. We are kind of like the weathermen. We have to tell everyone what is going to happen and draw on expertise that we realize has failed before. Weathermen these days do, however, tend to be pretty efficent at prediction, so maybe it isn't the best analogy. We learn to predict somewhat appropriately because we know our children and families, however, with our turnover and lack of funding, there are often barriers to this efficiency.

This week I was standing in the parking lot of my office in one of these spectacular summer winds. I was late for court, but I stopped and let the breeze fill me to the bone. I felt energized and reminded, that I am a good guy and I'm doing the best I can. I am young, but I'm becoming skilled. I'm growing in my knowledge so that one day I can help advocate on a higher level. The rain did not come this day and it was beautiful, but the storms did continue to come in my work life. I realize, we cannot stop the storms, but we can learn to prepare and we can learn to not focus on the storm but the incredible beauty that can accompany a storm and occasionally, to be cliche, we can dance and run in the rain like we've lost our senses.

Wreckless heart

If I could change one thing about myself, I often immediately go to my heart. I wish my heart would be less loyal. I wish my heart would be less sensitive. I wish my heart would be less caring. Then my brain starts to kick in and I realize that if this were the case, everything good about myself would also change. I am loving, kind, and heartful. These are not bad things, but they constantly get me in predicaments that cripply my productivity and leave me feeling broken. I know this isn't unique to myself. I know that much of the world has the same problem. How do we solve this problem?

Do we use logic and ignore our hearts? This would make the world a dark and heartless place. Do we hold back the loyalty, sensitivity, and care when we fear it will hurt us? Do we continue to break ourselves down, until naturally we become so broken that we have no more power to love or care. Do we become jaded?

The answer must be no. The answer must be that we use our brains and our hearts in combination. We learn to love and communicate openly. We use each broken piece of our heart to help mend the hearts of others and in the process of mending ourselves we also learn. The heart and the brain are not discretionary organs. They are intricately intertwined. If I were a scientist, I'm sure there is also great scientific psychological and physiological experiments that I could site to back up this opinion, but I also have concrete evidence from the way my body feels and the emotional roller coasters I've witnessed in other's lives, that this is true.

With this solution, I have to stop and agonize about how truly blessed I've been in my life and how hard resilience is for me? This is one of the hardest parts for me about being a social worker. I see so much heartbreak in so many deserving peoples lives, children at that matter, who have had no choice. How then can I expect strength in them, when often they have no one to comfort them through life altering trauma. I on the other hand have handfuls of loved ones who will listen to me pour out my tiniest heartbreaks, and even I sometimes push my loved ones away. How can I expect others to have faith and trust that I who is getting paid for my job really cares, and is my care even valid? My care doesn't easily discriminate. Social workers are traditionally very forgiving and loving people. My care and concern is easy to come by. Supply and demand principles show that this makes my love less valuable.

I know this all sounds very depressing, and not so hopeful, but this is how I feel at least once a week these days and I can't get past my logical side to realize that maybe I'm not cut out for this. Maybe I'm just too faint hearted, and maybe my love doesn't discriminate enough... maybe not maybe.

In all of this; however, I do not loose hope in the idea that we should not give up on fighting the world's dilemma's with dignity, kindness, and compassion. I also, am not hopeless, but I cannot lie and say I'm not desperately discouraged. I'm in need of taking time for myself, but I don't know how to do this. I don't see a solution right now, that will not rip my heart out. I do see how blessed I am to have so many beautiful supports in my life who put up with much more than they should. I find my hope in the humanity and compassion of others.

This humanity is not limited to my loved ones or even my co-workers, but there is an intense humanity (sometimes stronger) in the clients that I work with. A humanity that deeply humbles me and shakes me to my core. A humanity that causes me to feel dirty in many of my previously self righteous attitudes. A humanity that brings me to tears and to my knees in prayer and thought to a power of good much larger than I can ever wrap my thoughts around.

Overmedicated?

Did you know that there is one psychotropic medication prescribed for almost every person living in the US?? Ok, these statistics are based on a training I went to and I don't have the source to cite; however, the trainer was a highly qualified child psychiatrist with fancy graphs and a tie, so I'm taking it as fact. If this were not my cathartic outlet, I would prove my statement, but I'm not because that would require wasted energy. Energy being far too precious a commodity for me to waste these days. Back to the point of this post- most of these prescriptions are anti-depressants, which makes since because so many people I know have been prescribed these without even seeing a mental health doctor.

I'm not one for outlandish conspiracies. I've heard rants about prescription drug companies and doctors being in cahoots to over medicate our society and I've definitely been inclined to fall prey to these easy explanations for an over medicated society.  When I stop and think about it, I realize that I'd have to have pretty little faith in humanity to think this is actually true. I know plenty of people who would not let greed supersede their desire to help others or promote positive things in our society. Does this mean that I think our society is not over medicated? Hardly! I think that the conspiracies arise because of people who realize that it is a quick, and often scary, fix to a much larger problem.

I didn't really start thinking about this issue very much until I started working in mental health, experiencing chronic stress, and talking with friends who had been/ or knew someone who had been prescribed psychotropic medication. I was raised by half hearted hippies who rarely put me on anything and let me run relatively free in some respects, so even if a doctor had told my parents I should have been medicated as a child, I would not have been.

When I started working with foster children, I had the hardest time understanding medication management.. in the midst of everything else I was learning(still am learning).  During this training, I actually learned about different mental health diagnoses/disorders, things that I've been dealing with for the past year and should have/ maybe did learn about in my undergrad psychology class. I did as well in these classes as I did in any other, but I've always shyed away from psychology, because I think there is such a negative connotation and societal labels. However, in the journey to adulthood (which I think I can safely say I've crossed over :() I began to realize that everyone struggles with "mental health" and that diagnoses are not definitive.

This all being said, somewhere down the line, someone decided that we should use these diagnoses as some our primary bases for child welfare practice. Children who are obviously experiencing extreme environmental stressors which have a direct correlation to their mental health issues. It is a painful cycle. I've also noticed that the ones not labeled, or labeled less severe fit the mold of society and usually polar oppositely try painfully to always do the right thing and bury their pain/ mental struggle/ whatever you want to call it, deep down. This is no better, but it is easier for people to deal with this type of child/ person. They do well in life, but do they? Why is anxiety and depression so prevalent in our society? Is it because we are more aware of mental health, or is it because our society has become focused on the wrong things? I definitely don't know the answer, but I'm pretty sure it would be a combination of the two.

This brings up the idea of medicating these problems. I am not against medication, I used to be much more against it, but have learned through seeing their benefits, that they do have their benefits, but they should not be used as a quick fix. Our problems are deeper than a pill we swallow, especially a pill that is not closely enough monitored, sometimes makes problems worse, and may take a while to determine what exactly the right concoction is for a person. Find the roots of the problems, create a more loving system, and better the standard of living for those who are or could depend on medication. I don't have the answers, but I do know that we are over medicated and undereducated about medication as a society. Where to go from here, will be a complicated solution to a complicated problem, but some of the answers are, in my opinion, more simple than we'd think.

Disclaimer: No children were intentionally coerced or forced to be taken off of prescribed medication by author of this post ;)

It really makes you wonder

Tears glided down my face not once, but twice, in public. I tried very hard to stop them, but they wouldn't. It wasn't a typical frustrating cry that has on an occasion plagued me in my cubicle, but they were tears filled with hope and then later, quite different tears, filled with sadness and hopelessness.

The first set of tears came after a court hearing that resulted in my first case closure. Being new to my job and being who I am, my confidence can be waivering. For a worker in my position, closing a case is a very big step. This family that I worked with was one of the first cases I got and I had grown very fond of both the mother and daughter in the case. In addition to my fondness, there was an obvious positive change that had taken place in their lives because of services that had been in their home. In the court hearing, the mother wrote her attorney a note that was more insightful, honest, and moving than any rambling I do. The mother simply stated that she had been getting ready for bed and that her daughter had stated to her that she didn't want to do the things her mother had done and that she was glad that this had all happened and they had made it through because it had taught her to be strong. I had been unable to stop a few tears at the beginning of this hearing, but I was not able to stop the tears that came when I heard this.

When the second tears came, they were much more silent and deep. I witnessed an eight year old having to be tied gurney kicking, screaming, and tears streaming down his face. I don't want to elaborate on this situation. I only want to state that I'm realizing how mental health needs to be acknowledged as highly correlated to circumstances in someones environment. A child does not act like this because they are born "crazy", but act like this because they are lost and if they don't have support then they could reach the tipping point. I'm learning just how much crisis and lack of opportunity there can be in this world for certain people. Sometimes the lack of opportunity comes from personal decisions, but so often it also comes from circumstance and resources. I'm learning that doing something about all of this is harder than I'd ever imagined, despite the warnings.

Even though my job is now twice as hard and I'm even more tired, I feel twice as skilled and I've seen growth in families. The more time passes the more I'm also trying and sometimes succeeding at separating myself (something I'm certain I'll never master). In the meantime, pray that the state will realize the importance of better programs and more funding for our children and families (especially the ones in need!).  

Summertime

As summer begins, I'm reminded that an entire year has matured since I've started my career. The warm breaths of summer begin to form droplets of sweat upon my brow with every errand I run and gives me one more reminder of how busy my life is. These signes of summer remind me of a time in my life when my mind was much more naive and body was less weary. I sound so dramatic as a 22 year old in the field for only a year, but it is a true depiction of how I have blossomed in the last year. I say blossom, because as heart wrenching as the last year may have been, it has shown me how much beauty there is deep within me that I needed to bring out in order to counteract the disheartening things I've seen and experienced, but most of all watched others experience. I've discovered the deep beauty lying dormant in what others often would call ugly in this world, and I've seen the intricate patterns that the beautiful and horrid weave. To discover such things is to blossom and wilt, but in surviving them the blossoming overshadows the wilting.

Summer brings memories of times when I ran free, or as free as my fearful nature will allow. Summer brings the feeling of possibility and adventure but also makes me lackadaisical. I know it seems contradictory to want adventure and to be lackadaisical, but that is me in a nutshell. I'm fickle. Through this last year that brought on much self discovery, I'm learning about all the not so amazing capabilities I possess in addition to the good ones. In these discoveries it is really fun how often I'm reminded of things my dad would say to me and how true they were. This is the best test of how much someone loves you- if they know all of your flaws and strengths and are not afraid to point them out. He used to always tell me how fickle I was and recently I'm reminded of how true this is. Summertime especially reminds me of this. There is something about summer that makes me restless. It makes me want to explore new waters, but most of all it makes me miss people. Summer is a time when stress levels are generally relieved, especially for the educated, but this summer, I'm experiencing quite the opposite. I'm yearning for summers past, or more importantly people from summers past. With every rising temperature, the heat brings back vivid memories. The most vivid memories from the last two summers of my life. The most monumental summers of my life. Not all these memories are happy, these summers contained the most heartbreaking times in my life, but they contain pieces of my soul, they are intricately connected to who I am today.

With these feelings surfacing as the temperatures rise, I'm filled with wonderment about what this summer will have in store. the magic of summer has already begun to twist around my life as I begin to mold the next steps of my journey.

Ounces of Sanity

I don't know if I or anyone else at the office can handle much more, but we're all trying and trying to keep our spirits up in the process :). Today I added yet another precious being to my case load. I don't want to in any way disclose anything confidential and so this is all I'll say- I'm barely scratching the surface of what is required for my children and families, and I'm definitely not doing what is best. I will survive, but I feel as if I'm constantly counteracting the whole purpose of why I came into this field. I had to tell a child his case was transferring to a new worker and nearly started crying. I felt victory because I didn't cry, but I felt defeat in the frustrating feeling that these children need one thing more than anything- Consistency in love and consistency in care. Two things that are often hard to accomplish especially for the children on my case load that are increasing receiving a reputation in our office....

By this point I have only ounces of sanity left, but as soon as I have things in at least some things worked out for some of my kids, I'm going to try and keep myself healthy by going for a LONG, LONG run. I know this is supposed to be positive... I can say, that there are caring and loving people out there, but we have few and far between resources. Our children are suffering because our politics are not looking at the long term and our system is too divided. I will one day help change this, but for today, I will continue to learn, grow, and at this moment, maintain my sanity. ;).

Neither Mourning nor Rejocing

Today I didn't really know what to think of the historical death. One thought was that it gave our president a very good lead in the upcoming election. A thought, as a social service worker, that brought me some relief. I'm becoming much more moderate lately, but I do know that generally conservative government means budget cuts for my already struggling field. On a deeper level, I was very conflicted about how to feel about the situation, and all of the celebration seemed leave me feeling uneasy. I also felt as if the unity of celebration was a little refreshing, but the uneasiness came when I thought of the slightly barbaric nature of celebrating the death of any human being, even a "monster".

One of my friends used a King quote to very appropriately describe this historic event, "I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

I also found an NPR article on the subject entitled Is It Wrong to Celebrate Bin Laden's death and it describes all these emotions, just as King did, much more clearly and eloquently than I could do in my sloppy tangents. I encourage all to read it if they want a simple opinion on the matter. The last line is particularly moving. 

The last line of the article puts it perfectly -"If we have any feeling of victory or triumph in the case, it should be because we have succeeded in disabling him — not because he is dead."

Twilight

Twilight is defined as the soft, diffused light from the sky when the sun is below the horizon, either from daybreak to sunrise or, more commonly, from sunset to nightfall.

 

It is secondly defined as the period in the morning or, more commonly, in the evening during which this light prevails.

 

The last definition listed is a terminal period, especially after full development, success, etc.

 

Twilight is also a bicycle race that occurs in Athens, Georgia every April in which the city celebrates in true Athens fashion by taking part in excessive libations. As with most of the more rambunctious traditions of Athens, I never experienced this event until the spring of my senior year. Ironically, this event marks very significant transitions and experiences in my own life (twilights if you will). It marks the beginning of a friendship and the twilight of other friendships. It also was a time in my life in which I was reaching a twilight in my own life. I was essentially finished with college and was also coming full circle on a full dose of self discovery and growing up. In the year leading up to April 2010, I had experienced my first funeral of someone dear to me, some pretty emotional family situations, my first year of complete financial independence, my first quasi-serious relationship, my first semester of a more "traditional" college experience (if you get my drift ;)), I'd traveled to Chicago and LA on my own... I'd learned a lot about myself and I had been able to secure a job after graduation. I had grown more in the year preceding this event than I probably had in my entire 21 years of existence. The weather for twilight 2010 was pretty dreadful, but I spent the day with some dear people and it was a point in my life that I felt happy and as if the future were looking bright. 

 

A year later, it feels as if an entire decade has passed since my first Twilight. This weekend was twilight 2011 and the weather was beautiful and the people were equally beautiful. I feel as if, yet again,  I am coming to a twilight point in my life. I have worked in my first professional job for almost a year, and I've experienced a lot of growth in the past year. Probably less transition and change, but still, due to the nature of my job, it has been an experience. The year has shown me that I wasn't strong enough to not oscillate in my values and that I've pushed my usually strong will to the wayside to avoid the sadness I see in my career. I've started strengthening my will again and regaining hope. I've learned this hopelessness has been a direct product of my inability to see my own strengths and I've learned to mold hope through utilizing every skill I have. I've also learned I'm not skilled in a lot of things and I'm trying to accept this fact. I've learned to make dear friends and to accept and give love more appropriately and genuinely. I've learned a lot about love and relationships in general and the complexities that they inhabit. 

 

All of the last year seemed to climax yesterday in the height of the twilight festivities. I had so many people I cared about in town and the weather was beautiful, but I'd slipped into old, unhealthy habits and I was trying to drown away an intense month that had left me emotionally and physically exhausted. 

I woke up this morning feeling a lot different than I had a year ago. I was not still in college and yesterday was not the fun and games that last year had been. I have too much responsibility and knowledge now to run carefree, and I tried too hard to do this yesterday. I have to be true to who I really am and not hold on to some piece of myself that was a piece that brought me fun, but not peace. I felt so uneasy all day I forced myself to go for a run to clear my head and boost my endorphins. I ran for about 45 minutes and listened to Adelle. It was cleansing and I reflected on what my next phase of life will hold and on the marks that the last year have left on my soul. I realized that I'm much to fagile to have the extreme growing pains I've had in the past two years. I hope by this time next year, my life will be about the same, except I will be renewed, refreshed, stronger, and at a place where I can begin to grow again. 

 

Twilight is my favorite time of day. I've gotten to experience some of the most beautiful moments during this time. There is something about watching the sun set or rise that gives hope and purpose even when it is scarce. It is one of the natural phenomenon's that I often forget to notice on a daily basis. People always say after bad days, that the sun will still rise tomorrow. In definition, twilight indicates success, and I found myself feeling as if I have no successes during this last year of my life. I realize, however, that the trials of the last year have taught me what I will need to be successful in the future. Most importantly, it has taught me that what really matters is the moments when peace fills my heart. A peace that is overwhelmingly filled with love. I'm searching for ways to make these moments happen as naturally as the sun sets and rises everyday. There will always be sunsets and sunrises filled with clouds, but even amongst storms, the sun never refuses to rise and set. Even in the worst weather there is a beauty at twilight that is breathtaking.

Fragile Hearts

Today I talk in poetry. I don't have enough energy for many complete sentences. They would just be the same. This week is a long week, but it will get better. I've been thinking a lot about why we do what we do and the constant battles for and against social justice and I always have the argument for people to see it from the child's perspective. To see that love can change a child's life. It could be love shown to a child from family who has had kindness shown to them or a stress eliminated so that they can take a moment to show love.  It could be love shown by a helping professional. It could be love shown by a stranger, but the more love, the greater the odds. Today while visiting a grandmother and her grandchildren, I was told by a little three year old angel that she loved me this much as she stretched out her tiny arms. I'm in tears right now at how that one moment wiped away so much (I mean A LOT) or the stress from the last two 10 hour work days. Her grandmother told me that they tell each other that they love eachother at least 3 times per day.

Fragile Hearts

An uncertain smile, an ego never boosted
A brain malleable with so much potential
Potential fed, but also potential slipped away
Away into the insults
Away into the feelings of inadequacy
Away into the hopelessness
The fear
The Anxiety of never feeling good enough
Not deserving of love
Not deserving of anything good
The same system attempting to free me from these feelings only stregnthens them
I hear the talk
I hear I'm not able to go home because of this and that but I feel the abandonment
I feel the struggle of those trying to find a place for me
I see no alternatives, I see no future
I only see the present and what I can do to attempt to mask the pain
The deep seeded pain that I may never get over
Will someone reach me
People ask how I am and if I'm "ok"
How could I be ok, why would I answer you?
I see you seldom, you don't want me either.
I see what may be kindness in your eyes, but I know not what kindness is because It has not perservered in my life
Kindness is a distant memory
A memory of a soft and tender touch patting me to sleep in infancy
A memory of a teachers kind words and unfailing patience
A memory of someone in my past, someone I may not remember
Will I remember them, Is their effort worth the time some may say
The effort may be fruitless, but the love will be there somewhere
It may not always stick or I may be to hard to accept it
But why stop loving because I've become to hard
Why stop trying
Who is to say who is valuable enough for someones love and care
Who is to say who can reach me
Who is to say that maybe the memory or a moment of kindness couldn't be the tipping scale.
I am fragile, but I become stronger with love.

Basket Case

Lately I've been calling myself a "basket case" because life has been insanely too hectic for me and apparently everyone around me. It suddenly dawned on me, "What the.... is a "basket case"? Does this mean that you need to be shoved in a basket to escape your problems. Does it mean that you jump into a basket to hide from life??? Either way it is a pretty silly term.

My work load has almost doubled in the last two months, but everyday I'm seeing more and more of the small differences that can actually be made, and I'm learning that sometimes smiling and letting someone know you care can make the same difference that 14 hour work days make.


This post is dedicated to my current state of mind. I'm trying very hard to remain optimistic; however my plate is piled a mile high. I guess I'm doing pretty good just staying away from the baskets ;).

Chik-Fil-Yay!

I know it has been ages since I've written and for this I"m mad at myself. I've started several very deep posts, but haven't had the time or energy that such topics deserve. So tonight I'm starting back on a lighter note. Obviously, from my lack of posting, I've been extremely busy and some pretty heavy things have happened. Nothing that I've not gotten used to has happened. I have just been reminded of the cycle. Three more employees have quit at my office; however, they have gotten to hire some new employees. All of this I'm sure will come out in future posts, but tonight I only want to share a short dedication to one of my favorite places- Chik-fil-a.

Eating may be one of my favorite things. I was raised in a vegetarian household, but somehow, probably related to being raised in the deep south, one of my guilty pleasures is fried chicken. I love any and all types of fried chicken and fried foods for that matter. As I'm aging, I love foods of the fried nature less and less as my young steal stomach and body are wearing off and not so good at ignoring that fried chicken makes me feel like I'm taking years off of my life. I do still occasionally indulge. My indulgences usually include the crack filled chicken they have manage to magically create at the one and only Chik-fil-A.

As appropriate as it would be, this post isn't intended to highlight how much of a fatty I am.  There are several guilty pleasures that may even tie with Chik-fil-A on the tasty scale; however, I love Chik-fil-A for much more than it's ability to appease my belly. Chik-fil-A has always been an adamant supporter of non-profits. Truit Cathy has taken a particular interest in child welfare and has opened group homes in Georgia. Chik-Fil-A also treats it's employees very well. Chik-Fil-A is base on morals and values. Even if I'm less religious than I have been in the past, I think a business that has a foundation founded in something other than profit has a feeling that outweighs companies who only seem to want your money.

All this being said, this still is not the extent or the bulk of why this post is about to make you crack up or why I REALLY love Chik-Fil-A. So back when I was a sophomore in college, I broke down in from of this glorious restaurant at a stoplight. This was in my old Volvo that didn't have flashers. I was in the middle lane of a very crowded intersection. I didn't know what to do.. I called 911 and they said they would send an officer. As I waited, I almost began to cry. My Volvo wasn't the most reliable car and this was not a rare occurrence. In addition, I was on my way home to south Georgia and was worried my trip may have to be post-poned (this is when I still liked going back to south Georgia ;)). All of the sudden, before the police even responded, two Chick-Fil-A managers came and offered to push me to the nearby gas station. Then when they got there with their traditional smiles they humbly accepted my apology with "my pleasure" and gave me Chick-Fil-A coupons. As if pushing my car several hundred feet wasn't enough, THEY GAVE ME COUPONS!

All of this happened so long ago, why am I telling it now? Well today, after about 10 straight hours of working and driving around Atlanta, I stopped for a sandwich at Chik-Fil-A. At the window, the manager approached as the attendant was giving me my sandwich and asked if my emergency break was on. Sure enough, I had driven about 4 miles with it on and there was a lovely burnt rubber smell coming from the rental car I was driving for work. Both of the employees smiled as I embarrassingly thanked them. I was still in Atlanta at this point and may or may not have continued to drive home an hour with my emergency break on the entire way or until something went terribly wrong.

Chik-Fil-A employees will probably save me from a burning house in the next few years. :)

Private

Some things aren't meant to be shared. I have a big mouth and this is a hard concept to grasp, but I'm going to, for now, contemplate keeping this post private. There are some things that people shouldn't have to experience, but sometimes, in experiencing them, we learn important things about ourselves and each other. Sometimes events make us feel a certain way, but if we look deep down we realize that maybe we felt that way all along. It is the wretched event that leaps these feelings to the surface and allows us to begin to grow out of our handicaps.

I guess social work is all about, growing "out of" handicaps. Not diminishing their importance or acting as if they never existed, but giving voice to their beauty and warmth to the cold places they may leave humanity. I was told by a friend that being an "altruistic" person will enable me to never be happy. This was a overwhelming frustrating conversation. It was coming from a place of logic. He stated that he does not believe all people are created equal and that all people do not deserve to be treated the same. I found this alarming because my entire system of beliefs is tied into the idea that intrinsically, deep down, every person does have the same internal good.

It is easy to see where he is coming from, especially in my frustrations and all the darkness that is often shown to people in my line of work. We are trained and believe in the good, but often we are called in because darkness has overwhelmed a soul. It is easy for me to say that I am better than some of the people I've encountered in my life. It would make me feel better to think that all the people who have done "bad" things or who "don't contribute to society" are actually inferior. Then, however, one must define what truly is a bad thing or what contributing to society really is. There are too many elements in all of this argument. Enough elements that I do not have the time or energy, nor do I care to try and develope a philosophical ranting argument for or against this plight.

Circular Movement

I realize that I often think in circles. Maybe not in the entirely hopeless circular patterns that often cause major issues or social problems. I guess I think more spherically? All thoughts leading back to my core beliefs and passions and subsequent tangents. This new project has helped me realize this. I guess that makes for pretty boring internet literature, eh? :) I don't care because remember this project is about self reflection and letting my true colors show with no... ok minimal... inhibition. If I had "no" inhibitions there would be undoubtedly days when I would write posts consisting of no more than AHHHHHH...

So since this blog is unmistakably circular and my fairly limited range of thoughts is getting recycled by this point, I've come to a new realization. My spherical thoughts have reinstated my feeling of absolute belonging in the field of social work. I've decided not to let burn out, hopelessness, fear, exhaustion, laziness, misanthropic thoughts (yes I've become slightly misanthropic at times :(... It makes me very guilty), or anything else prevent me from following the career that I'm obviously built for. Honestly, I don't really think I'd be skilled to do anything else.

I started looking up social work grad schools last night when I couldn't sleep. Something felt peacefully certain when I started looking at the UNC website. My original plan was to apply anywhere and everywhere for several programs, but for the first time, I'm thinking of diving without a back up plan. I'm thinking that in 2012 my only application may be UNC and if I don't get in then that is my sign that need to take a break and breath. Either way, I had a peace that has not graced many of my recent decisions, a feeling that I'm making the right choice. I haven't been good at right choices lately, or maybe I haven't been good at trusting my choices? Yes, that is it, and maybe my confidence is building back. Maybe I'm becoming stronger, maybe, but right now, I feel tired and I can't judge my strength because all I want to do is slumber.

I'm going to do just that, slumber. I think lacking sleep is one of the core roots of most of my recent "problems". This I'm working on to, and as I work on it, I encourage all to work on their confidence in choices. It often isn't the choices that scare us or often their isn't a wrong or a right choice. Often their is just the truth of knowing oneself and not being scared to make the choice to love this self. The good, the bad, and the very sleep deprived.

Frightful Reality

Life is a constant cycle of ups and downs. In this cycle, we must be the constant. Peace does not come from the absence of frightening events or the inability to be excited, peace comes from the ability to weather these events without shattering our relatively stable realities. I realize I am a far cry from this goal and also realize how important this goal will be for everything I hope and dream to be and do in this world. I realize this is true for myself, but it is also almost undoubtedly true for everyone in this complicated world. Each person presenting this struggle through various neurosis, lashings out, self defeating attitudes, and paralysis.

When I begin to feel hopeless in my profession, which in turn begins making me feel hopeless in my own life (because at this point I realize that I cannot quit my job without giving up on my whole system of beliefs). I question where these feelings come from. Is it a feeling of fear for the individuals I feel hopeless in helping? Is it out of fear that I am actually useless because of my often fruitless efforts? I begin to realize it is a mixture of both and that the two fears have an enmeshed relationship that is inseparable. This is where I realize the importance of "counseling" or "therapy". Counseling, therapy, and other alternative forms help individuals reach the roots of their harmful thoughts. I understand that these feelings of hopelessness come from seeds within myself of feeling inadequate and also seeds within myself that sometimes hinder myself from being able to trust in a healthy way. I say in a healthy way because often I want to trust too much while other times I hold back any trust. In rooting these fears, I then realize how ludicrous this seems. I think " I am responsible for only my actions, I know right from wrong, I have good intentions.. why then do I feel so guilty or scared?" I don't have this answer, but in consciously retracing my thoughts, I am reminded that I have the ability to have power over these fears and to overcome these feelings to be my most whole and powerful self.

This all may sound very different and vague, but I'm realizing it is not something I should do, but something I have to do or I will continue to live with debilitating anxiety and never truly show love or receive it the way it should be.

I spent today with the little girl I've mentored for the past five years after helping babysit around 60 foster children all morning. After spending a day truly pouring into others, I was able to see hope in my ability to truly overcome this fear. I also acknowledged how much I have grown in this, even if I still have so far to go. I may feel very exhausted in life right now, but growth is exhausting, and truly living, whether "good or bad" is not supposed to be restful. The rest comes when one reaches the balance they need, but most of life is the growing process.

Never stop growing, loving, and living and do all three in the absence of fear.

Love is the Only Answer

This weekend one of my most dear friends who is in Med School, and thriving I may add, told me a very interesting anecdote. When me and this friend, Mallory, are together we always delve into the deepest levels of ourselves. She is the kind of friend that is and will always be at the center of my heart. Naturally we were discussing our lives and how hard the last few years have been on both of us. She brought up the issue of being well adjusted. She then discussed a situation where she was in class at her medical college and the professor asked everyone who had divorced parents to raise their hands. Mallory said only two out of eight students raised their hands. We discussed how family systems have such an enormous affect on adjustment and opportunity and life. Even though she is the minority and has had a much more unstable past (divorce only wipes the surface), she has done what it took to get to the very difficult place that her fellow medical students are in. A position and institution that it takes extreme dedication to reach.

This anecdote spiraled us into the obvious problem- people that overcome these barriers will always feel different because the majority of those they are surrounded for came to the same position with less effort. We then asked the question- is it better to overcome obstacles to only be replaced with the obstacle of feeling as if you don't belong?

Of course I would quit the field of social work if I felt that overcoming obstacles may be pointless if it only creates the obstacle of feeling as if you don't belong. But it does raise the question that happiness which is essentially the feeling of love and belonging is much less easy to come across for these people. We then discussed how adjustment has to do with support networks (family systems often being one of the most important.) Friendships are also important in this. This reminded me that when I ask so many of my teenage foster children who their friends are they so often reply that they don't have friends and only mere acquaintances. It is so easy to see that these children were never given the opportunity to trust and feel as if they are incapable of having anyone support or care about them. This is why I've begun to realize that the number one thing we must do in this world is learn how to genuinely and unselfishly love others. We cannot sacrifice ourselves for this purpose, but we can see where it is necessary and share this gift with those that we know we are supposed to. This is why the job of a child welfare worker is so difficult because we want to give the children we work with this love and feeling that they are deserving of this support network, but our job does not enable us to easily build up a trust or opportunity to be loving toward our children. I'm working how I can do both and I know that part of this is to be more peaceful and focused in my job.

I know I cannot be the support system for all of the eighteen children I work with, but for one child or maybe two, who knows, maybe even three, I could be the one to find a way to make them realize that they are worthy of the love and affection of at the least one close friend. I know that their is no way I would have survived this far without the amazing people that have supported me. Even with my many supports for being "well adjusted", I'm the type of person who often doesn't allow myself to lean on others, and I see how dangerous this can be, even for little things. Therefore, I'm realizing hope must come from the search for this support for all the humans I work with, including insuring I use my supports and support others in my personal life.

Love is really the only answer. Love can be both the most beautiful and wretched part of this world, but without it, there would be no hope.

This is dedicated to Mallory. Mallory is the definition of Strength, Love, and Honesty. She is a rock, but she is also a flower.. :), that is very corny, but sometimes corny is alright, when it is true.

Compassion Fatigue

Since this blog is supposed to be my catharsis and outlet for negative energy twisted into the positive lights that we often fail to ignore.... I'm forcing myself to write today. Apparently March is one of the statistically "worst" months in DFCS and apparently march decided to start on the 28th of February.

All I can say is that I need to learn how to turn off my working brain. My work; however, takes caring and compassion. Without this caring and compassion, the work is hollow, fruitless, and people do not feel as if you are genuinely trying to help them. The job is quite the dichotomy because this "compassion fatigue" as some call it, is the same issue that often makes us incompetent because we are too physically and emotionally strained. Take away this compassion, and we loose the most vital aspect of the job, but we gain efficiency.

Just as with all the difficult life issues, we must learn balance. We must learn to love, but to also let go.We must learn the system, and we must fight to improve it. We must not take on the problems of those we work with as our own, but pour our soul into helping in whatever ways we are capable. We must lean the delicate balance and we must not give up. I'm fatigued at this moment, but I'm also alive, healthy, and have a support network bigger than I probably even realize. It is my job to be the support network for my clients, but just as I cannot put all my burdens on anyone in my support system, I should not expect to take on the burdens of the world.

Tomorrow the sun will rise, and tomorrow I'll be the same person with the same power and the same limitations. Tomorrow the same problems. Tomorrow will be a new opportunity for positive growth. 

Lusting for Boredom

Where you one of those annoying children that consistently informed people that you were bored? As if it were their personal responsibility to entertain you. Well I was most certainly one of those children. Looking back I have two thoughts. One being, my poor parents, having to put up with such an annoying little bugger. Two being, I wish I knew then what I know now. It has been a good four years since I could honestly say I'm bored. Now I crave a moment where there is absolutely nothing to do. I don't think these moments exist, not in the type of life I've chosen. Maybe when I've reached my elderly years can I enjoy these moments again, and instead of begrudging them as I did in my childish naivety, I will cherish them in with the wisdom that has come from a full life.

Today was definitely a day that gave me a full dose of how boredom is eliminated from the vocabulary of a social worker. I got a new case today and in the midst of getting this new case I found out their were some pretty upsetting allegations against some of my other children and that one of my other teenagers had "run away". I guess I'm learning to accept this as the norm because I came home and had a pretty regular night. That is not to say that I didn't ruminate on the situations a little, but for the most part I allowed myself the luxury of realizing that I am only one person and I did all I could. Also, coming off the tail end of another round of sickness, I realized that I cannot do anything if I'm not healthy. So I left it at work, I came home, ate some dinner, watched some TV, and now I'm settling into bed. I often feel, just as I have in other positions that come with such responsibility, that I'm not allowed to be a real person too and that I have to constantly be who I need to be for the people I serve, but this does no one any good. I am human, in the same reasons that I feel it is so necessary to serve my fellow humans. I cannot in trying to help their lives, allow mine to slip into equally destructive patterns. There is a poem that circulated around our office that more eloquently expresses everything I want to express about social work. Today, I felt every line of this poem; however, today I did not cry. Maybe I've used up too many tears in the last few months (or should I say last 8 or so months), maybe I felt as though the heavy rain that accompanied tonight was God's way of crying and that I didn't need to. More likely, it may be that I'm getting stronger and learning to do this and learning that I can love and be happy in a job that often feels hated and full of sorrow. Today I felt stronger, today I felt just a little more confident, in a job that often bleeds out one's confidence.

Here is the poem that expresses it all much more concisely, much more beautifully-

Being a Social Worker Means..
You will never be bored.
You will always be frustrated.
You will be surrounded by challenges.
So much to do and so little time.
You will carry immense responsibility
and very little authority.
You wil step into people's lives
and you will make a difference.
Some will bless you
Some will curse you
You will see people at their worst
and their best
You will never cease to be amazed
at people's capacity for
love, courage, and endurance.
You will see life begin and end.
You will experience resounding triumphs
and devestating failures.
YOu will cry a lot
You will laugh a lot
YOu will know what it is to be human
and to be humane.
~ Author Unknown

Laugh out Loud

Since the internet generation has reached it's peak. The term "lol" has become quite common place. I consider laughing out loud in the lol since to mean when someone sincerely sits and reads something that is so funny that that person can't help but smile widely and laugh to themselves. Or that a situation is so funny that a person cannot control their laughter even when it is socially unacceptable to laugh. It is a truly beautiful moment when this happens. I've decided to stop using the term unless I genuinely "lol" when I read something. This post is dedicated to moments of "loling" but maybe not so much in the technological root of the phrase. In the last two weeks, and in general, as I'm spending time with people who I feel at ease with and trying to not let my work/ the sadness of my work absorb my life, there have been many hilarious and laughter filled moments. Since I've had a really long, hard two weeks, I thought it would be appropriate to instead focus on some joy. This particular incident happened a little over a week ago, but it is worthy of documentation.

February 12, 2011
Today is a very interesting day and it didn't even include any "social work". Today I went to look at apartments and houses with my two lovely roommates Erin and Shelden. We learned a lot about the housing market and Erin and I gave Shelden a lesson on following your "warm and fuzzy" feeling when looking for an apartment. This is of course a very critical part of the housing decision and we would be happy to give anyone interested a lesson, free of charge. :)

So the interesting part of the experience occurred when we showed up at one of the houses we had found. We were supposed to be meeting one of the realator representatives at the residence and were informed that it was still being occupied. I decided to park on the grass and then we all decided this was very rude. I tried to finagle around and park on the street culdesac. The process of doing this included me leaving tire marks in their yard, almost hitting the mailbox, and stalling out twice. The landlord was watching all of this and needless to say I was bright red and we were all hysterical with laughter upon exiting the car. We calmed down a little as we walked up the drive to the house, but our laughter quickly resumed when we began to take in the scenery of the residence we were about to view :) .

Just imagine a typical college male housing unit multiplied x 1,000. The dishes in the sink had obviously been there for at least a month, I don't think the carpet had been vacuumed in over a year, there were beer bottles and various other debris everywhere. Even as a social worker who sees some pretty dirty houses, I was a little shocked. In addition to the filth, there were the very tasteful decorations. There was the naked budwiser girl, the rebel flag, the beer bottle collections, the antlers, the piles of dirty laundry.... Shelden, Erin, and I could not control our girlish giggles and laughed throughout the entire "showing" of the house. The funniest thing about all of this is that an actual agent from the reality company was showing us the house. His non-chalant attitude was very impressive. He managed to stifle his laughter and still somewhat attempt to "sell" us the property. We of course all were trying very hard to still ask questions and feign interest. I asked what they would do if we decided to rent once the tenents moved out. He stated that they would clean and maybe even replace the carpet and deep clean the entire place. After leaving we of course "loled" again over the fact that he said "maybe" replace the carpet. We then seriously, ok not so seriously, asked the Realtor if they could throw in some of the decorations for free. He somehow managed to keep a straight face and say "that could probably be arranged" with only a slight indication of humor.

Needless to say we did not decide to rent this house, but we did get some great stories and decorating tips from the experience. In addition, I think I lost five pounds from the workout I got from the laughter. We have now signed a lease for another apartment with the same company and have ironically gotten the same Realator for all of our properties we've seen through this company. We all are very glad that we can continue to work with a company that we have bonded with one of the employees, even if he doesn't share our affinity for him, we will always link him to this experience and he will always make us laugh.

On a closing note, If you're looking for an upstanding, respectable young man with very good taste, then we have an address of a house that has young men who have impeccable decorating skills and straight (as evidenced by the naked women posters). ;)

Keep on the sunny side.. it is the only way to survive.

Days like today

"Do not seek perfection in a changing world. Instead, perfect your love."

Days like today remind me that I'm human. Days like today are quite frequent of late. Today was Valentine's day, a day so heightened with emotions. It seems everyone has an opinion on Valentines Day. I of course joined in on this trend and always had the philosophy that it is a beautiful thing to celebrate love and embraced "love" every fourteenth of February. I'd never had a romantic valentine on the day until last year and up until this point, that philosophy suited me fine. I'd usually make all my loved ones something, send care packages, and try to spread a little extra "love" in anyway I could make time. Last year was the first time I actually had a "Valentine" and I got sick on he day and irregardless i think I enjoyed my previous celebrations better than the traditional cliche romance. Granted that Valentine's was nothing special and the boy didn't even make reservations, but whatever. Then there is this year, the first year I've had someone to miss.

Oddly enough, or maybe not so oddly, I had no time to think of most of this today. I had to get up at 4:30 this morning to get to work at 5:15 so I could grab some paperwork and run to pick up a child and place her in a treatment facility. As I was driving to pick her up in the break of dawn when it is still so quiet you can hear your thoughts, I decided to check my voicemails from the weekend. Doing this jolted me into reality, I found out that one of my other "children" had been put in jail over the weekend. No, they don't put children in jail, but I have several children over 17 on my work load and they do put them in jail and not juvenile detention. Somehow, in the calm of morning, I was able to push back the overwhelming feelings and deal with the present. I, for the first time, forced myself not to take responsibility for this child's mistakes, and I continued on. I spent the rest of the morning forcing myself to comfort the other child who was being admitted into a program that she clearly didn't want to join. She ended up crying before the admission was complete. On limited sleep, little food, and a plate full of emotions, I continued on the day trying to make phone calls while driving through atlanta traffic (something that I SHOULD NOT do :)). Then back to the office for meetings and the reality of how much there is to do. 

By the time I got home at 5, all I wanted to do was sleep and cry, but instead in an effort to make the hard decisions in a moment that will help me stay healthy. I went for a long, cathartic run and I cried. I cried for my "little" darlings, as someone so sarcastically once called some of the juveniles I work with that are involved in the juvenile justice system. I feel odd saying this, but I do think of them as "my little darlings" even though I cringe at the way someone had once stated this to me. A darling is someone charming and when I work with these young adults I can't help but think of the small, innocent children on my caseload and how these young adults were once in the same position, but didn't have the supports or resources or make the choices to put them in a different place. These young adults are not, and nor will they grow up to be monsters. Despite how much they may wind up in jail or "failing" the system, they are human and I have seen their capabilities. Yes I've seen the manipulation and the anger, but I've also seen the love they have for their families. I cried for their families and for the children they once were. I cried selfishly for all the people I miss. I cried for all the romantic heartache that some of my loved ones are experiencing. Mainly I just cried for release and it felt so nice. I think sometimes tears are my way of praying. I never was very good or should I say felt very natural in the "normal" types of prayer. It is in these raw emotional moments that I feel closest to God and feel as if he sees and hears everything I am feeling.

It is days like today, where I feel like I've lived an entire month in just one day, that I realize I will be alright and "it will be alright (whatever "it" may be- poverty, declining families, greed, heartbreak...). If I can survive a day like today then I come out so much stronger. It is hard to see the light. I saw the light today in realizing that I did not loose my temper or give up today. I tried to love as best I could in a day when I wanted to be selfish and crawl back into bed at almost every moment. After my run I was blessed to have a group of amazing young women to share a meal and time with.

So this Valentine's day I realized that this day and every day would be a lot better if love were really the focus. Sadly on this very "hallmark" holiday people only focus on materials and angst or ecstasy over some extravagant gesture. Instead the day should be more about genuine affections for life and each other and the struggles and triumphs we all undergo. 

Letting go is not giving up

The end of the work day has a beautiful element. You know you have accomplished all you can and you get to go home and make time for yourself. There is a freedom in this point of the day. That is if you are not a social worker with my mental functioning. I've always worked on the premises that I resolve things. As a child I would NEVER go to bed angry. I quite frequently would get into fights with my mom at bedtime, and I'd lay in bed hoping that she would come kiss me goodnight even though we had been fighting ro resolve things. When I finally gave up on her doing this, I'd always get out of bed and go force her to resolve our conflict and so I could give her a kiss goodnight. Granted this often sent me to bed more angry because my mama has a much different outlook than I; however it is a good indication of my immense propensity for rumination.

In the field of social work, and probably in most of my personal relationships too, this is a very large obstacle. There is some good in the ability to see the need for resolution; but there is also the reality that resolution takes time and one needs to learn the ability to allow something to slip from the mind when thinking on it will have no positive affect. When I leave work at night there will always be one-million things left to do, but it is so important to take time to stop and realize, I am only one, and many others are working toward the same goals.

It isn't just me that has this problem. It is many in my field, personal life, and even in my clients. Some of the individuals I work with, despite the negative situations they may find themselves in, have overcome more in their lives than we could imagine; however, they find it hard to overcome their current hurdles because they ruminate on things they cannot change instead of what they can change.

For me, I realize that these feelings often emerge from feeling as if I fail to succeed by the standards set for me. I realize that it is impossible to reach these standards, and as I learn this I'm becoming less of a "ruminator".  It is when this rumination reaches the point that individuals feel not that they cannot succeed, but that they can't survive that there becomes a real problem.

This is the hardest part about this work, or life in general, we see that so many have given up on survival. I must clarify that when I say survive, I don't mean pushing aside thoughts of suicide, I mean living life with a purpose and not giving up on your dreams. The world gives us a very beautiful picture of "success", but someone can live by this definition and still be falling deeply inside a whole of failure to survive. Surviving means we do what we can and we let the good win. Good meaning the loving, honest, and free side of the world. Sometimes letting it win may feel like failure, but in the end you will be a surviver and this is indeed better than a life of empty success.

 Saying no when you need to and letting go of "failures is part of surviving, but their is a difference between giving up and letting go. Letting go is in spirit of survival and giving up is in a spirit of defeat. So I challenge myself and all of you to give yourself permission to let go and to lift others up when you feel they may be on the brink of giving up.  Let me know if you ever figure out the secret to doing this :)...

Blue Skies

The color blue is a contradiction. As a wee little girl it was inexplicably my favorite color. Probably because I always had to go against the norm and didn't want to be like all the other little girls liking pink and purple. Then as I got a little older I decided to broaden my horizon and changed my favorite color to "all pastels"- a clear indicator of indecisive and very open minded personality ;). Back to why blue is such a contradiction.. We have the blues and you can be feeling blue, but then there is the research that suggests blue is one of the most calming colors. "They" recommend wearing blue to an interview because it calms the interviewers and indicates confidence. Also, blue skies are of course associated with joy and happy days.

Now the question must be asked, what does all of this have to do with hope for the future and social work and my life. Well I feel as if this week was a "blue" week. It contradicted itself. Even though I met some of my monthly deadlines for the first time since I started while also having to deal with a few emergencies, we have a very important review which I was unable to focus on because there just wasn't enough time. It was a better week because my roommate Erin is now interning at the office and we hired some new workers and so now I'm feeling a lot less like the young clueless naive worker. I'm also feeling less like this because I finally have some idea what I'm doing... I might even be considered an expert by this point :). Then there is the sadness of having a former client come to me a month behind in rent. Life in general is a day by day roller coaster, but this job seems to be a minute by minute roller coaster.

I'm realizing that blue is not necessarily a contradiction, but rather a color of many emotions. Social work is a lot like the color blue. Perhaps inherently this is why my 8 year old very dramatic self always declared blue as my ultimate favorite color, and now at age 22 I am re-claiming this color, but instead of as a childish favorite, it is the color of life.

Productivity

Being busy is different from being productive. The difference in definition is often in the eye of the beholder. I've always been one of those people running around always feeling like I'm got something to do. This in layman's term translates into being "uptight". I've been called uptight several times even in the last few days and I sadly must admit it is true. This takes so much away from the good I could do. Productivity is not necessarily being busy but producing something useful or more importantly something beautiful. In my mind something useful (in all the good ways) is something beautiful. I'm trying to stop and examine my motives and outcomes in a less frantic and more intuitive way. I am only one person and I can stay busy my whole life, ruin myself, and fail to have any meaningful product or I can stop, breath, and do what I can. I am in fact no superhero.

I'm writing this after two days of feeling like a superhero. I managed to do most of my monthly documentation, have 2 of my most poorly documented cases reviewed for errors, sleep 5 hours nightly, find a new apartment, catch up with loved ones, find a child the RIGHT placement, and I even took a little time to cook. This time had substance and produced what I'd like to think were good products, and I even managed to minimize my "fazzledness". I realize of course that every day cannot be like this or I will most likely die at age 25 of heart failure or in a car wreck driving fanatically somewhere (maybe I'll die this way anyways :)... many of my loved ones have expressed this fear). I must stop and realize I am only one person and that just as I am here for others to lean on, there are others that are willing to lend me a shoulder when necessary.

The exhaustion of this kind of life (the kind of life I've been blindly leading for the last 5, 6, maybe even 7 years) has finally began to really surface. I realize that behind all this hustle there is beauty, but there is also empty busy work that I've done out of fear, or tasks that I've put more energy than they deserved into because I feared failure or had the wrong motivations or refused to say no.

Each moment is becoming more precious and as it does, each moment becomes more beautiful and less urgent. Even if I feel a child's life is in my hands, I must relax and use my calm to help calm their fears. Urgency is often present in my work, but the urgency is only in the fear. If I use love and the brain that I have recently neglected because of emotional overwhelm, I will survive and not only will I survive but I will quite possibly do what I am trying to do as a social worker, help others in their survival.

This lesson can easily be learned from the teenagers I work with. They learn to survive and they have given up on the urgency. I see how this urgency has sometimes turned into fear, manipulation, and lack of trust. This urgency that sprung from feelings of inadequacy, feelings of abandonment, feelings of no one ever listening to them, and also feelings that most normal teenagers will experience reguardless. These children, almost adults, have given up on the urgency because often the adults only see the urgency and fail to see the child, the child hidden behind the almost adult face and the adult like coping skills of manipulation and negative coping. If I am to ever be productive or happy in my job (or even life), I have to forget the urgency and even forget the sadness of these souls' pasts and just focus on what I am able to do and need to do to show them that I will look past their masks of negative coping and take the time to see them.

I hope this doesn't sound self righteous. I only mean that this is what I must do, this is what we all must do in dealing with each others more unpleasant sides (including our own inner (or external) darker selves). I don't by any means feel I've mastered this. I'm just trying my best, and that is all I can do.

Naturally

Today was a very odd day, climatically. As I walked outside, the foliage reminded me it was winter, but the sun's bright glow and warmth upon my skin preached a different story. It was as though God was telling us to be hopeful through the winter and decided to give us a very early reminder of how beautiful spring time can be.

I have had several conversations about the whether and how it affects our moods. As beautiful as a rainy day can be, there is something about sunshine that can make even the darkest of situations feel a little brighter (both physically but also internally).

Days like today make me glad that there are forces to preserve our natural environment. The natural world and the miraculous beauties that are underneath all of the man made constructions are our closest connection to God. The only thing closer is of course ourselves and other living creatures.

Days like today are beautiful because the ability to enjoy them does not discriminate. I hope everyone got to take at least a few minutes to stop, take a breath, and marvel at how beautiful our world can sometimes be.

Heartless

 I find myself sometimes wishing that there was a way to turn off my heart. I often wish I could turn off my brain, but ultimately it is the thoughts that come from the heart that cause so much pain. I'm already soulless being a red head and all, so maybe I shouldn't ever wish for such a thing. ;)

I think the only reason I've wished this lately, is that I've been getting full heapings of heart ache from many fronts in my life. My clients, my friends, my family, and even just people I meet through circumstance seem to all be experiencing some very substantial heartache, and I, for the first time in my life, have experienced some of my first real doses of heartache. I think my problem is that I was so blessed during my most of my life, so sheltered and loved, that I thought the whole world had this same experience. Don't get me wrong, I've always seen the heartbreak in the world, that is why I was the 10 year old reading books about the holocaust and slavery, but I was always so removed from it in my own experiences.

Now as I'm moving into the next month of my year of positivity, my thoughts and prayers are with everyone experiencing the sharp pangs of the heart. I know with time everything changes and pain gets much easier, but I'm just ready to put some time between the pains of the past and joy of the future. So in short, I would not want to turn my heart off because it would take away all of the beauty in addition to the pain. The pain will get better with time, but the beauty would be lost forever. 

February is in fact the month of valentines day... so get prepared for some "heartfelt" posts. This year Valentine's day will be especially hard but also especially beautiful because I'm surrounded by so many people I love.

Soulful

I've fallen in love with a band. Maybe I'll drop everything and become a groupie. I always loved the movie almost famous, but I don't want to end up like Penny. I would however love to follow around an artistic movement that has the power to pierce my heart like this band. I'm realizing how to be myself both the parts that make since and the parts that don't. I don't really know what exactly it is about these musicians or the words to these songs, but they reach down inside and make me feel alive. In particular, I love Little Lion Man 

Every day after work I turn it up and sing at the top of my lungs. I've heard a lot of people do this, but this isn't comon for me. I also don't usally like yelling one particular word, but in this song I yell it loudly and feel it for everything this naughty word is meant to be. It isn't meant to be overused or abused as any word shouldn't be, but it is used only when the full emotion and force behind the word is necessary. I'm being very vague, but listen to the link and you'll figure out what I'm talking about. This new lovely habbit really cuts all the nastiness of the day away and reminds me that I'm human and that today I have tried and I also may have failed, but it will all be ok, maybe just not the way I'd pictured it.

Independence

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Believe in kissing."
— Eve Ensler

I find that by this point in the world most of what is important enough to be said has already been said in so many words by someone else. I found this passage and feel it says exactly what I woul want to say, but much more eloquently. I guess this is my feminist post for the year ;), since Eve is the creator of The Vagina Monalougues. This show usually comes out on Valentines day, so I guess I'll ponder more on this day, much less eloquently I'm sure... Until then, do something new on your own. 

Bravery

Often we think the brave are those who do extraordinary things, or decide to do something selfless like join the military or become a firefighter. I find my own bravery when I choose to stick with the hard things and many others I imagine do the same.

What would happen if we saw bravery in the criminals, bravery in the "lower" of society, bravery in the woman that has worked in the food industry for the past 30 years and never decided to give up. What if we looked past the label and saw everyone's story and how they have endured extoidinary circumstances, despite any negative things on the surface. I know my own personal bravery is sometimes not bravery at all, but advancement and survival, just as many others we see. The difference is that I've been given more opportunities to "survive"and to do so much more easily.

I think every human has a bravery in them, that no matter how hidden it may be, has the capacity for greatness. When I look into the faces of the teenagers I work with. The ones society often looks down on as delinquent, I do not see the anger, I do not see the hatred, I do not see the capacity for harm, but I see a sadness and a bravery that rips at parts of my heart that I often ignore. The part of my heart, where I have to acknowledge that the world can be very cruel and unfair. These children may steal, they may have "uncontrollable" anger, and they may even smoke a little marijuana, but they are brave beyond their years. Put in their same position I would probably act the same. This position being a position where often only the delinquency can be seen and not the path that brought me there or the good that is often masked by these delinquent acts. I would probably act the same way, most likely worse. Could I be so brave? Could you be so brave?

I don't say all of this to bring myself or others down, but to only urge and encourage us all to not look upon the surface and to give everyone a chance. I'm not saying to be stupid, take care of yourself, but remember, sometimes all anyone needs is someone to show them that they see the good in them, when everyone else sees the bad. It is hard, and sometimes it may not appear to make a difference. In life, however, it is the acts we commit with no agenda that make the most differnce. Let your agenda only be to see the good where others may not.

Restless

"When my blood runs warm with the warm red wine, I missed the life that I left behind. And when I hear the sound of the black bird's cry, I know I left in the nick of time. Well this road I'm on is gonna turn to sand, and leave me lost in a far off land. So let me ride the wind till I don't look back, and forget the life that I almost had. If I wander till I die may I know whose hand I'm in. If my home I'll never find and let me live again. The longer I run then the less that I find, selling my soul for a nickel and dime, breakin my heart to keep singing these rhymes, losing again. Tell my brother please not to look for me. I ain't the man that I used to be.  Cause if my savior comes could you let him know. I've gone away, forward to save my soul."

 

                                                Longer I Run by Peter Bradley Adams

I'm restless and need a change. I was raised in the same house in the same small town for 18 years, and am terrified of change; however, I am realizing that I have wings and not roots. Roots get me too comfortable and I begin to feel suffocated. This suffocation disguises itself as fear, procrastination, and unease. I've been in the same town for almost five years. Coming to this town was an immense culture shock and with each change I never grew restless as I grew and changed in my new environment. Today, however, I've outgrown my surroundings. I've gotten stagnant and want to escape. I think this is a very natural feeling and is probably why so many people are afraid of commitment.

We either doubt that what we have is what we need, or we doubt our ability to travel to unknown places. Doubt can cause us to never sprout our wings or plant our roots.

Is the doubt causing my restlessness, or is doubt keeping me grounded? In the past, doubt has kept me rooted and caused me to pass up opportunities of growth, but this time, I think I'm doubting my ability to grow in this environment. I want to escape this town because I don't want to face all the ways I've changed in the city. I want to pack up only the good experiences and changes and run until no one knows my name and I can start fresh and not bring my mishaps and growth areas with me.

I am not going to do this. I'm going to choose bravery and the harder path. In this bravery I may be weak, but I will not leave now. If I did, realistically, all the past would follow me and I would only re-create the past in a new environment. I need to soar in my soul, not in my footpath. When I'm ready, and it is right, I'll leave to discover the world, and not to escape. If i chose the easy path, I'd have to leave a lot of people behind and I need these people to be in my life as I push through to finish sorting out myself and life.

I'll continue to be restless, and to help appease this, I want to go on adventures and explore, without escaping. Adventures good for the soul, join me in discovering the beauty of the world and rediscovering the beauty within each of us. Wash out the feelings of doubt, wash away your chains, and leap into the life that you have at this moment. I've looked at tickets to Ireland today and maybe I'll get to go someday soon. More realistically, I've already started planned a camping trip with Miranda and Erin for the spring

Laughter

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.  ~Kurt Vonnegut

Fear

 On some positions,
Cowardice asks the question
"Is it safe?"
Expediency asks the question
"Is it politic?"
 And Vanity comes along and asks the question
"Is it popular?"
But Conscience asks the question
"Is it right?"
And there comes a time
when one must take a position
that is neither safe,
nor politic, nor popular,
but he must do it because
Conscience tells him it is right.
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 

I just finished a book called "Why good people do bad things." Humorously enough, I found this book on the very classy "text from last night" website and used it as a joke with a friend. I was in borders and couldn't resist buying the book when I saw it. After buying it I perused through it and realized that it actually seemed worthy of reading and was based on my favorite psychologists. Ironically, even though I am in the field of Social Work, I don't usually like too much psychology theory. This probably should have convinced me to change my major, but that is what living is all about- finding your way by taking road blocks. I decided that the book was worth reading and since I'm trying to read more lately anyways, I dug right in. After finishing the book, I was left very self aware and a little awed. 

It almost made me believe in fate. Could some higher power have possibly led me down the humorous and random path to finding this book, just so that I can be enlightened?? :) Who knows??? In short, the book discusses "shadow complexes" that we all play out in our lives. It was a very intellectual book and I had to remain very dedicated to actually finish it, but the truth that lies between it's pages is artful, humble, and so painfully human. 

Recently, as my earlier posts indicated, I've become very disheartened by the world and my own actions. I began to see little good in the world (for a social worker, this can be suicide). I realize now that part of the reason is that I was discovering and growing myself, and self discovery is never easy. As we grow, we have more time to see and experience faults, failures, and unfulfilled dreams. We have the front row tickets to our own negative growing pains, and so we either choose to detrimentally focus on them or fatally project our feelings onto others to make us feel better. After reading this book, it was refreshing to see that I am not alone in realizing this pattern and growing uneasy as I learn to know myself better. The book is all about how we bear burdens that navigate our lives and cripple us. This is called the "shadow". I'm not one for psychobabble, self- help books, or looking at things from black and white, but the pages of this book do not contain any of this. The pages draw from great minds in all fields (including religion, literature, psychology..) and simply acknoledges the importance of self reflection and understanding where ur fears come from so that we can conquer them and reach self-actualization. 

I will not get any deeper into this complex idea, as my eyes get sleepy and I'm sure I've reached that point my dad always reaches in his intellectual speach (the point where my readers are baffled). I only wish to say that fear is here for a reason, but that it is easy to allow fear in many forms to take over our lives. We must realize where logical fear falls away to the fears that hold us back from dreaming, loving, and getting through the hard patches where hope may be scarce (the hope is only scarce because the fear has become overwhelming.) Free your self from your shadow and read the book if you have some time and the dedication.