It really makes you wonder

Tears glided down my face not once, but twice, in public. I tried very hard to stop them, but they wouldn't. It wasn't a typical frustrating cry that has on an occasion plagued me in my cubicle, but they were tears filled with hope and then later, quite different tears, filled with sadness and hopelessness.

The first set of tears came after a court hearing that resulted in my first case closure. Being new to my job and being who I am, my confidence can be waivering. For a worker in my position, closing a case is a very big step. This family that I worked with was one of the first cases I got and I had grown very fond of both the mother and daughter in the case. In addition to my fondness, there was an obvious positive change that had taken place in their lives because of services that had been in their home. In the court hearing, the mother wrote her attorney a note that was more insightful, honest, and moving than any rambling I do. The mother simply stated that she had been getting ready for bed and that her daughter had stated to her that she didn't want to do the things her mother had done and that she was glad that this had all happened and they had made it through because it had taught her to be strong. I had been unable to stop a few tears at the beginning of this hearing, but I was not able to stop the tears that came when I heard this.

When the second tears came, they were much more silent and deep. I witnessed an eight year old having to be tied gurney kicking, screaming, and tears streaming down his face. I don't want to elaborate on this situation. I only want to state that I'm realizing how mental health needs to be acknowledged as highly correlated to circumstances in someones environment. A child does not act like this because they are born "crazy", but act like this because they are lost and if they don't have support then they could reach the tipping point. I'm learning just how much crisis and lack of opportunity there can be in this world for certain people. Sometimes the lack of opportunity comes from personal decisions, but so often it also comes from circumstance and resources. I'm learning that doing something about all of this is harder than I'd ever imagined, despite the warnings.

Even though my job is now twice as hard and I'm even more tired, I feel twice as skilled and I've seen growth in families. The more time passes the more I'm also trying and sometimes succeeding at separating myself (something I'm certain I'll never master). In the meantime, pray that the state will realize the importance of better programs and more funding for our children and families (especially the ones in need!).  

Summertime

As summer begins, I'm reminded that an entire year has matured since I've started my career. The warm breaths of summer begin to form droplets of sweat upon my brow with every errand I run and gives me one more reminder of how busy my life is. These signes of summer remind me of a time in my life when my mind was much more naive and body was less weary. I sound so dramatic as a 22 year old in the field for only a year, but it is a true depiction of how I have blossomed in the last year. I say blossom, because as heart wrenching as the last year may have been, it has shown me how much beauty there is deep within me that I needed to bring out in order to counteract the disheartening things I've seen and experienced, but most of all watched others experience. I've discovered the deep beauty lying dormant in what others often would call ugly in this world, and I've seen the intricate patterns that the beautiful and horrid weave. To discover such things is to blossom and wilt, but in surviving them the blossoming overshadows the wilting.

Summer brings memories of times when I ran free, or as free as my fearful nature will allow. Summer brings the feeling of possibility and adventure but also makes me lackadaisical. I know it seems contradictory to want adventure and to be lackadaisical, but that is me in a nutshell. I'm fickle. Through this last year that brought on much self discovery, I'm learning about all the not so amazing capabilities I possess in addition to the good ones. In these discoveries it is really fun how often I'm reminded of things my dad would say to me and how true they were. This is the best test of how much someone loves you- if they know all of your flaws and strengths and are not afraid to point them out. He used to always tell me how fickle I was and recently I'm reminded of how true this is. Summertime especially reminds me of this. There is something about summer that makes me restless. It makes me want to explore new waters, but most of all it makes me miss people. Summer is a time when stress levels are generally relieved, especially for the educated, but this summer, I'm experiencing quite the opposite. I'm yearning for summers past, or more importantly people from summers past. With every rising temperature, the heat brings back vivid memories. The most vivid memories from the last two summers of my life. The most monumental summers of my life. Not all these memories are happy, these summers contained the most heartbreaking times in my life, but they contain pieces of my soul, they are intricately connected to who I am today.

With these feelings surfacing as the temperatures rise, I'm filled with wonderment about what this summer will have in store. the magic of summer has already begun to twist around my life as I begin to mold the next steps of my journey.