I realize that I often think in circles. Maybe not in the entirely hopeless circular patterns that often cause major issues or social problems. I guess I think more spherically? All thoughts leading back to my core beliefs and passions and subsequent tangents. This new project has helped me realize this. I guess that makes for pretty boring internet literature, eh? :) I don't care because remember this project is about self reflection and letting my true colors show with no... ok minimal... inhibition. If I had "no" inhibitions there would be undoubtedly days when I would write posts consisting of no more than AHHHHHH...
So since this blog is unmistakably circular and my fairly limited range of thoughts is getting recycled by this point, I've come to a new realization. My spherical thoughts have reinstated my feeling of absolute belonging in the field of social work. I've decided not to let burn out, hopelessness, fear, exhaustion, laziness, misanthropic thoughts (yes I've become slightly misanthropic at times :(... It makes me very guilty), or anything else prevent me from following the career that I'm obviously built for. Honestly, I don't really think I'd be skilled to do anything else.
I started looking up social work grad schools last night when I couldn't sleep. Something felt peacefully certain when I started looking at the UNC website. My original plan was to apply anywhere and everywhere for several programs, but for the first time, I'm thinking of diving without a back up plan. I'm thinking that in 2012 my only application may be UNC and if I don't get in then that is my sign that need to take a break and breath. Either way, I had a peace that has not graced many of my recent decisions, a feeling that I'm making the right choice. I haven't been good at right choices lately, or maybe I haven't been good at trusting my choices? Yes, that is it, and maybe my confidence is building back. Maybe I'm becoming stronger, maybe, but right now, I feel tired and I can't judge my strength because all I want to do is slumber.
I'm going to do just that, slumber. I think lacking sleep is one of the core roots of most of my recent "problems". This I'm working on to, and as I work on it, I encourage all to work on their confidence in choices. It often isn't the choices that scare us or often their isn't a wrong or a right choice. Often their is just the truth of knowing oneself and not being scared to make the choice to love this self. The good, the bad, and the very sleep deprived.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Frightful Reality
Life is a constant cycle of ups and downs. In this cycle, we must be the constant. Peace does not come from the absence of frightening events or the inability to be excited, peace comes from the ability to weather these events without shattering our relatively stable realities. I realize I am a far cry from this goal and also realize how important this goal will be for everything I hope and dream to be and do in this world. I realize this is true for myself, but it is also almost undoubtedly true for everyone in this complicated world. Each person presenting this struggle through various neurosis, lashings out, self defeating attitudes, and paralysis.
When I begin to feel hopeless in my profession, which in turn begins making me feel hopeless in my own life (because at this point I realize that I cannot quit my job without giving up on my whole system of beliefs). I question where these feelings come from. Is it a feeling of fear for the individuals I feel hopeless in helping? Is it out of fear that I am actually useless because of my often fruitless efforts? I begin to realize it is a mixture of both and that the two fears have an enmeshed relationship that is inseparable. This is where I realize the importance of "counseling" or "therapy". Counseling, therapy, and other alternative forms help individuals reach the roots of their harmful thoughts. I understand that these feelings of hopelessness come from seeds within myself of feeling inadequate and also seeds within myself that sometimes hinder myself from being able to trust in a healthy way. I say in a healthy way because often I want to trust too much while other times I hold back any trust. In rooting these fears, I then realize how ludicrous this seems. I think " I am responsible for only my actions, I know right from wrong, I have good intentions.. why then do I feel so guilty or scared?" I don't have this answer, but in consciously retracing my thoughts, I am reminded that I have the ability to have power over these fears and to overcome these feelings to be my most whole and powerful self.
This all may sound very different and vague, but I'm realizing it is not something I should do, but something I have to do or I will continue to live with debilitating anxiety and never truly show love or receive it the way it should be.
I spent today with the little girl I've mentored for the past five years after helping babysit around 60 foster children all morning. After spending a day truly pouring into others, I was able to see hope in my ability to truly overcome this fear. I also acknowledged how much I have grown in this, even if I still have so far to go. I may feel very exhausted in life right now, but growth is exhausting, and truly living, whether "good or bad" is not supposed to be restful. The rest comes when one reaches the balance they need, but most of life is the growing process.
Never stop growing, loving, and living and do all three in the absence of fear.
When I begin to feel hopeless in my profession, which in turn begins making me feel hopeless in my own life (because at this point I realize that I cannot quit my job without giving up on my whole system of beliefs). I question where these feelings come from. Is it a feeling of fear for the individuals I feel hopeless in helping? Is it out of fear that I am actually useless because of my often fruitless efforts? I begin to realize it is a mixture of both and that the two fears have an enmeshed relationship that is inseparable. This is where I realize the importance of "counseling" or "therapy". Counseling, therapy, and other alternative forms help individuals reach the roots of their harmful thoughts. I understand that these feelings of hopelessness come from seeds within myself of feeling inadequate and also seeds within myself that sometimes hinder myself from being able to trust in a healthy way. I say in a healthy way because often I want to trust too much while other times I hold back any trust. In rooting these fears, I then realize how ludicrous this seems. I think " I am responsible for only my actions, I know right from wrong, I have good intentions.. why then do I feel so guilty or scared?" I don't have this answer, but in consciously retracing my thoughts, I am reminded that I have the ability to have power over these fears and to overcome these feelings to be my most whole and powerful self.
This all may sound very different and vague, but I'm realizing it is not something I should do, but something I have to do or I will continue to live with debilitating anxiety and never truly show love or receive it the way it should be.
I spent today with the little girl I've mentored for the past five years after helping babysit around 60 foster children all morning. After spending a day truly pouring into others, I was able to see hope in my ability to truly overcome this fear. I also acknowledged how much I have grown in this, even if I still have so far to go. I may feel very exhausted in life right now, but growth is exhausting, and truly living, whether "good or bad" is not supposed to be restful. The rest comes when one reaches the balance they need, but most of life is the growing process.
Never stop growing, loving, and living and do all three in the absence of fear.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Love is the Only Answer
This weekend one of my most dear friends who is in Med School, and thriving I may add, told me a very interesting anecdote. When me and this friend, Mallory, are together we always delve into the deepest levels of ourselves. She is the kind of friend that is and will always be at the center of my heart. Naturally we were discussing our lives and how hard the last few years have been on both of us. She brought up the issue of being well adjusted. She then discussed a situation where she was in class at her medical college and the professor asked everyone who had divorced parents to raise their hands. Mallory said only two out of eight students raised their hands. We discussed how family systems have such an enormous affect on adjustment and opportunity and life. Even though she is the minority and has had a much more unstable past (divorce only wipes the surface), she has done what it took to get to the very difficult place that her fellow medical students are in. A position and institution that it takes extreme dedication to reach.
This anecdote spiraled us into the obvious problem- people that overcome these barriers will always feel different because the majority of those they are surrounded for came to the same position with less effort. We then asked the question- is it better to overcome obstacles to only be replaced with the obstacle of feeling as if you don't belong?
Of course I would quit the field of social work if I felt that overcoming obstacles may be pointless if it only creates the obstacle of feeling as if you don't belong. But it does raise the question that happiness which is essentially the feeling of love and belonging is much less easy to come across for these people. We then discussed how adjustment has to do with support networks (family systems often being one of the most important.) Friendships are also important in this. This reminded me that when I ask so many of my teenage foster children who their friends are they so often reply that they don't have friends and only mere acquaintances. It is so easy to see that these children were never given the opportunity to trust and feel as if they are incapable of having anyone support or care about them. This is why I've begun to realize that the number one thing we must do in this world is learn how to genuinely and unselfishly love others. We cannot sacrifice ourselves for this purpose, but we can see where it is necessary and share this gift with those that we know we are supposed to. This is why the job of a child welfare worker is so difficult because we want to give the children we work with this love and feeling that they are deserving of this support network, but our job does not enable us to easily build up a trust or opportunity to be loving toward our children. I'm working how I can do both and I know that part of this is to be more peaceful and focused in my job.
I know I cannot be the support system for all of the eighteen children I work with, but for one child or maybe two, who knows, maybe even three, I could be the one to find a way to make them realize that they are worthy of the love and affection of at the least one close friend. I know that their is no way I would have survived this far without the amazing people that have supported me. Even with my many supports for being "well adjusted", I'm the type of person who often doesn't allow myself to lean on others, and I see how dangerous this can be, even for little things. Therefore, I'm realizing hope must come from the search for this support for all the humans I work with, including insuring I use my supports and support others in my personal life.
Love is really the only answer. Love can be both the most beautiful and wretched part of this world, but without it, there would be no hope.
This is dedicated to Mallory. Mallory is the definition of Strength, Love, and Honesty. She is a rock, but she is also a flower.. :), that is very corny, but sometimes corny is alright, when it is true.
This anecdote spiraled us into the obvious problem- people that overcome these barriers will always feel different because the majority of those they are surrounded for came to the same position with less effort. We then asked the question- is it better to overcome obstacles to only be replaced with the obstacle of feeling as if you don't belong?
Of course I would quit the field of social work if I felt that overcoming obstacles may be pointless if it only creates the obstacle of feeling as if you don't belong. But it does raise the question that happiness which is essentially the feeling of love and belonging is much less easy to come across for these people. We then discussed how adjustment has to do with support networks (family systems often being one of the most important.) Friendships are also important in this. This reminded me that when I ask so many of my teenage foster children who their friends are they so often reply that they don't have friends and only mere acquaintances. It is so easy to see that these children were never given the opportunity to trust and feel as if they are incapable of having anyone support or care about them. This is why I've begun to realize that the number one thing we must do in this world is learn how to genuinely and unselfishly love others. We cannot sacrifice ourselves for this purpose, but we can see where it is necessary and share this gift with those that we know we are supposed to. This is why the job of a child welfare worker is so difficult because we want to give the children we work with this love and feeling that they are deserving of this support network, but our job does not enable us to easily build up a trust or opportunity to be loving toward our children. I'm working how I can do both and I know that part of this is to be more peaceful and focused in my job.
I know I cannot be the support system for all of the eighteen children I work with, but for one child or maybe two, who knows, maybe even three, I could be the one to find a way to make them realize that they are worthy of the love and affection of at the least one close friend. I know that their is no way I would have survived this far without the amazing people that have supported me. Even with my many supports for being "well adjusted", I'm the type of person who often doesn't allow myself to lean on others, and I see how dangerous this can be, even for little things. Therefore, I'm realizing hope must come from the search for this support for all the humans I work with, including insuring I use my supports and support others in my personal life.
Love is really the only answer. Love can be both the most beautiful and wretched part of this world, but without it, there would be no hope.
This is dedicated to Mallory. Mallory is the definition of Strength, Love, and Honesty. She is a rock, but she is also a flower.. :), that is very corny, but sometimes corny is alright, when it is true.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Compassion Fatigue
Since this blog is supposed to be my catharsis and outlet for negative energy twisted into the positive lights that we often fail to ignore.... I'm forcing myself to write today. Apparently March is one of the statistically "worst" months in DFCS and apparently march decided to start on the 28th of February.
All I can say is that I need to learn how to turn off my working brain. My work; however, takes caring and compassion. Without this caring and compassion, the work is hollow, fruitless, and people do not feel as if you are genuinely trying to help them. The job is quite the dichotomy because this "compassion fatigue" as some call it, is the same issue that often makes us incompetent because we are too physically and emotionally strained. Take away this compassion, and we loose the most vital aspect of the job, but we gain efficiency.
Just as with all the difficult life issues, we must learn balance. We must learn to love, but to also let go.We must learn the system, and we must fight to improve it. We must not take on the problems of those we work with as our own, but pour our soul into helping in whatever ways we are capable. We must lean the delicate balance and we must not give up. I'm fatigued at this moment, but I'm also alive, healthy, and have a support network bigger than I probably even realize. It is my job to be the support network for my clients, but just as I cannot put all my burdens on anyone in my support system, I should not expect to take on the burdens of the world.
Tomorrow the sun will rise, and tomorrow I'll be the same person with the same power and the same limitations. Tomorrow the same problems. Tomorrow will be a new opportunity for positive growth.
All I can say is that I need to learn how to turn off my working brain. My work; however, takes caring and compassion. Without this caring and compassion, the work is hollow, fruitless, and people do not feel as if you are genuinely trying to help them. The job is quite the dichotomy because this "compassion fatigue" as some call it, is the same issue that often makes us incompetent because we are too physically and emotionally strained. Take away this compassion, and we loose the most vital aspect of the job, but we gain efficiency.
Just as with all the difficult life issues, we must learn balance. We must learn to love, but to also let go.We must learn the system, and we must fight to improve it. We must not take on the problems of those we work with as our own, but pour our soul into helping in whatever ways we are capable. We must lean the delicate balance and we must not give up. I'm fatigued at this moment, but I'm also alive, healthy, and have a support network bigger than I probably even realize. It is my job to be the support network for my clients, but just as I cannot put all my burdens on anyone in my support system, I should not expect to take on the burdens of the world.
Tomorrow the sun will rise, and tomorrow I'll be the same person with the same power and the same limitations. Tomorrow the same problems. Tomorrow will be a new opportunity for positive growth.
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