I've been bad about writing lately. I've also been bad about sleeping, nutrition, breathing, and having a life... I feel quite perplexed by the conundrum of my life. I've always strived for the life I have now. I'm advocating for justice, I'm financially stable, I've graduated college, and yet I feel so devestatingly left with the feeling that I'm just not cut out to this growing up business. :)
Then I force myself to logically realize that I am not a grown up, I am a grownup on steroids. Halfway through my work day today (this was at 4 pm, my day ended at 10) I was enlightened to the fact that I have a caseload of 29 children. This is 29 children I must see every month accross the state from Reynolds to Augusta to Marrietta to Stockbridge to timbuckto... Then their are the parents I must see and then their are the actual paper and legal responsibilities (an average of 3 court hearings a week and piles of paperwork and filing). Even for a social science major, it is clear that the math just doesn't add up. In a work month of less than 22 days, this is not realistic. No, it has not been like this since I started, and actually, with my previous case loads, I'd be able to manage. Instead I'm staying positive and keep reminding myself and my coworkers- we are doing the best we can and we must continue to keep our cool and take care of ourselves.
Am I doing this? Of course not, but the first step is admitting you have a problem. I've lagged in this step for the last year. In my defense I've also had to do a lot of growing up in a very short amount of time and realized that growing up is for the birds. My office finally hired someone younger than me and she is wonderful (just as everyone else at my office), but it reminded me, I am young and it is ok that I am young. I'm allowed to be young and this affords me the luxury of making more mistakes. It has also showed me exactly how grown up I am and how grown up I've always tried to be. This has all made me realize that being responsible does not mean loosing your inner child.
I spent 2 hours in the car with children and realized that in the last year and a half of working with children, I actually have spent less time with children than ever in my life. I got to play with them and love and them and work with a foster mom who reminded me why I am in this field. A foster mom who was open with and who we could share honestly and humanely and share an embrace over the three beautiful and overwhelmed children that we were helping.
The day was filled with court hearings, phone calls, driving, feeding children, changing children, redirecting children, more driving, and a moment when I almost lost my cool, when the passion from my less mature self resurfaced. A passion that in a professional setting may be considered unprofessional, but that felt good to get out. A passion that may have been mistakenly pushed to the surface, but because of my age and the circumstances is excusable and maybe even justified.
I am grown up, and I am in a situation where I have to act more grown up than most individuals ever may have to, but I'm becoming more comfortable and trying to reach the next step... a step where I take care of myself and get over my anger that their is no-one who can take care of me the way I take care of others and that I must be this person and not always try to be this person for the world. The world will survive if I take a moment to breath.
