Where you one of those annoying children that consistently informed people that you were bored? As if it were their personal responsibility to entertain you. Well I was most certainly one of those children. Looking back I have two thoughts. One being, my poor parents, having to put up with such an annoying little bugger. Two being, I wish I knew then what I know now. It has been a good four years since I could honestly say I'm bored. Now I crave a moment where there is absolutely nothing to do. I don't think these moments exist, not in the type of life I've chosen. Maybe when I've reached my elderly years can I enjoy these moments again, and instead of begrudging them as I did in my childish naivety, I will cherish them in with the wisdom that has come from a full life.
Today was definitely a day that gave me a full dose of how boredom is eliminated from the vocabulary of a social worker. I got a new case today and in the midst of getting this new case I found out their were some pretty upsetting allegations against some of my other children and that one of my other teenagers had "run away". I guess I'm learning to accept this as the norm because I came home and had a pretty regular night. That is not to say that I didn't ruminate on the situations a little, but for the most part I allowed myself the luxury of realizing that I am only one person and I did all I could. Also, coming off the tail end of another round of sickness, I realized that I cannot do anything if I'm not healthy. So I left it at work, I came home, ate some dinner, watched some TV, and now I'm settling into bed. I often feel, just as I have in other positions that come with such responsibility, that I'm not allowed to be a real person too and that I have to constantly be who I need to be for the people I serve, but this does no one any good. I am human, in the same reasons that I feel it is so necessary to serve my fellow humans. I cannot in trying to help their lives, allow mine to slip into equally destructive patterns. There is a poem that circulated around our office that more eloquently expresses everything I want to express about social work. Today, I felt every line of this poem; however, today I did not cry. Maybe I've used up too many tears in the last few months (or should I say last 8 or so months), maybe I felt as though the heavy rain that accompanied tonight was God's way of crying and that I didn't need to. More likely, it may be that I'm getting stronger and learning to do this and learning that I can love and be happy in a job that often feels hated and full of sorrow. Today I felt stronger, today I felt just a little more confident, in a job that often bleeds out one's confidence.
Here is the poem that expresses it all much more concisely, much more beautifully-
Being a Social Worker Means..
You will never be bored.
You will always be frustrated.
You will be surrounded by challenges.
So much to do and so little time.
You will carry immense responsibility
and very little authority.
You wil step into people's lives
and you will make a difference.
Some will bless you
Some will curse you
You will see people at their worst
and their best
You will never cease to be amazed
at people's capacity for
love, courage, and endurance.
You will see life begin and end.
You will experience resounding triumphs
and devestating failures.
YOu will cry a lot
You will laugh a lot
YOu will know what it is to be human
and to be humane.
~ Author Unknown
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Laugh out Loud
Since the internet generation has reached it's peak. The term "lol" has become quite common place. I consider laughing out loud in the lol since to mean when someone sincerely sits and reads something that is so funny that that person can't help but smile widely and laugh to themselves. Or that a situation is so funny that a person cannot control their laughter even when it is socially unacceptable to laugh. It is a truly beautiful moment when this happens. I've decided to stop using the term unless I genuinely "lol" when I read something. This post is dedicated to moments of "loling" but maybe not so much in the technological root of the phrase. In the last two weeks, and in general, as I'm spending time with people who I feel at ease with and trying to not let my work/ the sadness of my work absorb my life, there have been many hilarious and laughter filled moments. Since I've had a really long, hard two weeks, I thought it would be appropriate to instead focus on some joy. This particular incident happened a little over a week ago, but it is worthy of documentation.
February 12, 2011
Today is a very interesting day and it didn't even include any "social work". Today I went to look at apartments and houses with my two lovely roommates Erin and Shelden. We learned a lot about the housing market and Erin and I gave Shelden a lesson on following your "warm and fuzzy" feeling when looking for an apartment. This is of course a very critical part of the housing decision and we would be happy to give anyone interested a lesson, free of charge. :)
So the interesting part of the experience occurred when we showed up at one of the houses we had found. We were supposed to be meeting one of the realator representatives at the residence and were informed that it was still being occupied. I decided to park on the grass and then we all decided this was very rude. I tried to finagle around and park on the street culdesac. The process of doing this included me leaving tire marks in their yard, almost hitting the mailbox, and stalling out twice. The landlord was watching all of this and needless to say I was bright red and we were all hysterical with laughter upon exiting the car. We calmed down a little as we walked up the drive to the house, but our laughter quickly resumed when we began to take in the scenery of the residence we were about to view :) .
Just imagine a typical college male housing unit multiplied x 1,000. The dishes in the sink had obviously been there for at least a month, I don't think the carpet had been vacuumed in over a year, there were beer bottles and various other debris everywhere. Even as a social worker who sees some pretty dirty houses, I was a little shocked. In addition to the filth, there were the very tasteful decorations. There was the naked budwiser girl, the rebel flag, the beer bottle collections, the antlers, the piles of dirty laundry.... Shelden, Erin, and I could not control our girlish giggles and laughed throughout the entire "showing" of the house. The funniest thing about all of this is that an actual agent from the reality company was showing us the house. His non-chalant attitude was very impressive. He managed to stifle his laughter and still somewhat attempt to "sell" us the property. We of course all were trying very hard to still ask questions and feign interest. I asked what they would do if we decided to rent once the tenents moved out. He stated that they would clean and maybe even replace the carpet and deep clean the entire place. After leaving we of course "loled" again over the fact that he said "maybe" replace the carpet. We then seriously, ok not so seriously, asked the Realtor if they could throw in some of the decorations for free. He somehow managed to keep a straight face and say "that could probably be arranged" with only a slight indication of humor.
Needless to say we did not decide to rent this house, but we did get some great stories and decorating tips from the experience. In addition, I think I lost five pounds from the workout I got from the laughter. We have now signed a lease for another apartment with the same company and have ironically gotten the same Realator for all of our properties we've seen through this company. We all are very glad that we can continue to work with a company that we have bonded with one of the employees, even if he doesn't share our affinity for him, we will always link him to this experience and he will always make us laugh.
On a closing note, If you're looking for an upstanding, respectable young man with very good taste, then we have an address of a house that has young men who have impeccable decorating skills and straight (as evidenced by the naked women posters). ;)
Keep on the sunny side.. it is the only way to survive.
February 12, 2011
Today is a very interesting day and it didn't even include any "social work". Today I went to look at apartments and houses with my two lovely roommates Erin and Shelden. We learned a lot about the housing market and Erin and I gave Shelden a lesson on following your "warm and fuzzy" feeling when looking for an apartment. This is of course a very critical part of the housing decision and we would be happy to give anyone interested a lesson, free of charge. :)
So the interesting part of the experience occurred when we showed up at one of the houses we had found. We were supposed to be meeting one of the realator representatives at the residence and were informed that it was still being occupied. I decided to park on the grass and then we all decided this was very rude. I tried to finagle around and park on the street culdesac. The process of doing this included me leaving tire marks in their yard, almost hitting the mailbox, and stalling out twice. The landlord was watching all of this and needless to say I was bright red and we were all hysterical with laughter upon exiting the car. We calmed down a little as we walked up the drive to the house, but our laughter quickly resumed when we began to take in the scenery of the residence we were about to view :) .
Just imagine a typical college male housing unit multiplied x 1,000. The dishes in the sink had obviously been there for at least a month, I don't think the carpet had been vacuumed in over a year, there were beer bottles and various other debris everywhere. Even as a social worker who sees some pretty dirty houses, I was a little shocked. In addition to the filth, there were the very tasteful decorations. There was the naked budwiser girl, the rebel flag, the beer bottle collections, the antlers, the piles of dirty laundry.... Shelden, Erin, and I could not control our girlish giggles and laughed throughout the entire "showing" of the house. The funniest thing about all of this is that an actual agent from the reality company was showing us the house. His non-chalant attitude was very impressive. He managed to stifle his laughter and still somewhat attempt to "sell" us the property. We of course all were trying very hard to still ask questions and feign interest. I asked what they would do if we decided to rent once the tenents moved out. He stated that they would clean and maybe even replace the carpet and deep clean the entire place. After leaving we of course "loled" again over the fact that he said "maybe" replace the carpet. We then seriously, ok not so seriously, asked the Realtor if they could throw in some of the decorations for free. He somehow managed to keep a straight face and say "that could probably be arranged" with only a slight indication of humor.
Needless to say we did not decide to rent this house, but we did get some great stories and decorating tips from the experience. In addition, I think I lost five pounds from the workout I got from the laughter. We have now signed a lease for another apartment with the same company and have ironically gotten the same Realator for all of our properties we've seen through this company. We all are very glad that we can continue to work with a company that we have bonded with one of the employees, even if he doesn't share our affinity for him, we will always link him to this experience and he will always make us laugh.
On a closing note, If you're looking for an upstanding, respectable young man with very good taste, then we have an address of a house that has young men who have impeccable decorating skills and straight (as evidenced by the naked women posters). ;)
Keep on the sunny side.. it is the only way to survive.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Days like today
Days like today remind me that I'm human. Days like today are quite frequent of late. Today was Valentine's day, a day so heightened with emotions. It seems everyone has an opinion on Valentines Day. I of course joined in on this trend and always had the philosophy that it is a beautiful thing to celebrate love and embraced "love" every fourteenth of February. I'd never had a romantic valentine on the day until last year and up until this point, that philosophy suited me fine. I'd usually make all my loved ones something, send care packages, and try to spread a little extra "love" in anyway I could make time. Last year was the first time I actually had a "Valentine" and I got sick on he day and irregardless i think I enjoyed my previous celebrations better than the traditional cliche romance. Granted that Valentine's was nothing special and the boy didn't even make reservations, but whatever. Then there is this year, the first year I've had someone to miss.
Oddly enough, or maybe not so oddly, I had no time to think of most of this today. I had to get up at 4:30 this morning to get to work at 5:15 so I could grab some paperwork and run to pick up a child and place her in a treatment facility. As I was driving to pick her up in the break of dawn when it is still so quiet you can hear your thoughts, I decided to check my voicemails from the weekend. Doing this jolted me into reality, I found out that one of my other "children" had been put in jail over the weekend. No, they don't put children in jail, but I have several children over 17 on my work load and they do put them in jail and not juvenile detention. Somehow, in the calm of morning, I was able to push back the overwhelming feelings and deal with the present. I, for the first time, forced myself not to take responsibility for this child's mistakes, and I continued on. I spent the rest of the morning forcing myself to comfort the other child who was being admitted into a program that she clearly didn't want to join. She ended up crying before the admission was complete. On limited sleep, little food, and a plate full of emotions, I continued on the day trying to make phone calls while driving through atlanta traffic (something that I SHOULD NOT do :)). Then back to the office for meetings and the reality of how much there is to do.
By the time I got home at 5, all I wanted to do was sleep and cry, but instead in an effort to make the hard decisions in a moment that will help me stay healthy. I went for a long, cathartic run and I cried. I cried for my "little" darlings, as someone so sarcastically once called some of the juveniles I work with that are involved in the juvenile justice system. I feel odd saying this, but I do think of them as "my little darlings" even though I cringe at the way someone had once stated this to me. A darling is someone charming and when I work with these young adults I can't help but think of the small, innocent children on my caseload and how these young adults were once in the same position, but didn't have the supports or resources or make the choices to put them in a different place. These young adults are not, and nor will they grow up to be monsters. Despite how much they may wind up in jail or "failing" the system, they are human and I have seen their capabilities. Yes I've seen the manipulation and the anger, but I've also seen the love they have for their families. I cried for their families and for the children they once were. I cried selfishly for all the people I miss. I cried for all the romantic heartache that some of my loved ones are experiencing. Mainly I just cried for release and it felt so nice. I think sometimes tears are my way of praying. I never was very good or should I say felt very natural in the "normal" types of prayer. It is in these raw emotional moments that I feel closest to God and feel as if he sees and hears everything I am feeling.
It is days like today, where I feel like I've lived an entire month in just one day, that I realize I will be alright and "it will be alright (whatever "it" may be- poverty, declining families, greed, heartbreak...). If I can survive a day like today then I come out so much stronger. It is hard to see the light. I saw the light today in realizing that I did not loose my temper or give up today. I tried to love as best I could in a day when I wanted to be selfish and crawl back into bed at almost every moment. After my run I was blessed to have a group of amazing young women to share a meal and time with.
So this Valentine's day I realized that this day and every day would be a lot better if love were really the focus. Sadly on this very "hallmark" holiday people only focus on materials and angst or ecstasy over some extravagant gesture. Instead the day should be more about genuine affections for life and each other and the struggles and triumphs we all undergo.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Letting go is not giving up
The end of the work day has a beautiful element. You know you have accomplished all you can and you get to go home and make time for yourself. There is a freedom in this point of the day. That is if you are not a social worker with my mental functioning. I've always worked on the premises that I resolve things. As a child I would NEVER go to bed angry. I quite frequently would get into fights with my mom at bedtime, and I'd lay in bed hoping that she would come kiss me goodnight even though we had been fighting ro resolve things. When I finally gave up on her doing this, I'd always get out of bed and go force her to resolve our conflict and so I could give her a kiss goodnight. Granted this often sent me to bed more angry because my mama has a much different outlook than I; however it is a good indication of my immense propensity for rumination.
In the field of social work, and probably in most of my personal relationships too, this is a very large obstacle. There is some good in the ability to see the need for resolution; but there is also the reality that resolution takes time and one needs to learn the ability to allow something to slip from the mind when thinking on it will have no positive affect. When I leave work at night there will always be one-million things left to do, but it is so important to take time to stop and realize, I am only one, and many others are working toward the same goals.
It isn't just me that has this problem. It is many in my field, personal life, and even in my clients. Some of the individuals I work with, despite the negative situations they may find themselves in, have overcome more in their lives than we could imagine; however, they find it hard to overcome their current hurdles because they ruminate on things they cannot change instead of what they can change.
For me, I realize that these feelings often emerge from feeling as if I fail to succeed by the standards set for me. I realize that it is impossible to reach these standards, and as I learn this I'm becoming less of a "ruminator". It is when this rumination reaches the point that individuals feel not that they cannot succeed, but that they can't survive that there becomes a real problem.
This is the hardest part about this work, or life in general, we see that so many have given up on survival. I must clarify that when I say survive, I don't mean pushing aside thoughts of suicide, I mean living life with a purpose and not giving up on your dreams. The world gives us a very beautiful picture of "success", but someone can live by this definition and still be falling deeply inside a whole of failure to survive. Surviving means we do what we can and we let the good win. Good meaning the loving, honest, and free side of the world. Sometimes letting it win may feel like failure, but in the end you will be a surviver and this is indeed better than a life of empty success.
Saying no when you need to and letting go of "failures is part of surviving, but their is a difference between giving up and letting go. Letting go is in spirit of survival and giving up is in a spirit of defeat. So I challenge myself and all of you to give yourself permission to let go and to lift others up when you feel they may be on the brink of giving up. Let me know if you ever figure out the secret to doing this :)...
In the field of social work, and probably in most of my personal relationships too, this is a very large obstacle. There is some good in the ability to see the need for resolution; but there is also the reality that resolution takes time and one needs to learn the ability to allow something to slip from the mind when thinking on it will have no positive affect. When I leave work at night there will always be one-million things left to do, but it is so important to take time to stop and realize, I am only one, and many others are working toward the same goals.
It isn't just me that has this problem. It is many in my field, personal life, and even in my clients. Some of the individuals I work with, despite the negative situations they may find themselves in, have overcome more in their lives than we could imagine; however, they find it hard to overcome their current hurdles because they ruminate on things they cannot change instead of what they can change.
For me, I realize that these feelings often emerge from feeling as if I fail to succeed by the standards set for me. I realize that it is impossible to reach these standards, and as I learn this I'm becoming less of a "ruminator". It is when this rumination reaches the point that individuals feel not that they cannot succeed, but that they can't survive that there becomes a real problem.
This is the hardest part about this work, or life in general, we see that so many have given up on survival. I must clarify that when I say survive, I don't mean pushing aside thoughts of suicide, I mean living life with a purpose and not giving up on your dreams. The world gives us a very beautiful picture of "success", but someone can live by this definition and still be falling deeply inside a whole of failure to survive. Surviving means we do what we can and we let the good win. Good meaning the loving, honest, and free side of the world. Sometimes letting it win may feel like failure, but in the end you will be a surviver and this is indeed better than a life of empty success.
Saying no when you need to and letting go of "failures is part of surviving, but their is a difference between giving up and letting go. Letting go is in spirit of survival and giving up is in a spirit of defeat. So I challenge myself and all of you to give yourself permission to let go and to lift others up when you feel they may be on the brink of giving up. Let me know if you ever figure out the secret to doing this :)...
Friday, February 4, 2011
Blue Skies
The color blue is a contradiction. As a wee little girl it was inexplicably my favorite color. Probably because I always had to go against the norm and didn't want to be like all the other little girls liking pink and purple. Then as I got a little older I decided to broaden my horizon and changed my favorite color to "all pastels"- a clear indicator of indecisive and very open minded personality ;). Back to why blue is such a contradiction.. We have the blues and you can be feeling blue, but then there is the research that suggests blue is one of the most calming colors. "They" recommend wearing blue to an interview because it calms the interviewers and indicates confidence. Also, blue skies are of course associated with joy and happy days.
Now the question must be asked, what does all of this have to do with hope for the future and social work and my life. Well I feel as if this week was a "blue" week. It contradicted itself. Even though I met some of my monthly deadlines for the first time since I started while also having to deal with a few emergencies, we have a very important review which I was unable to focus on because there just wasn't enough time. It was a better week because my roommate Erin is now interning at the office and we hired some new workers and so now I'm feeling a lot less like the young clueless naive worker. I'm also feeling less like this because I finally have some idea what I'm doing... I might even be considered an expert by this point :). Then there is the sadness of having a former client come to me a month behind in rent. Life in general is a day by day roller coaster, but this job seems to be a minute by minute roller coaster.
I'm realizing that blue is not necessarily a contradiction, but rather a color of many emotions. Social work is a lot like the color blue. Perhaps inherently this is why my 8 year old very dramatic self always declared blue as my ultimate favorite color, and now at age 22 I am re-claiming this color, but instead of as a childish favorite, it is the color of life.
I'm realizing that blue is not necessarily a contradiction, but rather a color of many emotions. Social work is a lot like the color blue. Perhaps inherently this is why my 8 year old very dramatic self always declared blue as my ultimate favorite color, and now at age 22 I am re-claiming this color, but instead of as a childish favorite, it is the color of life.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Productivity
Being busy is different from being productive. The difference in definition is often in the eye of the beholder. I've always been one of those people running around always feeling like I'm got something to do. This in layman's term translates into being "uptight". I've been called uptight several times even in the last few days and I sadly must admit it is true. This takes so much away from the good I could do. Productivity is not necessarily being busy but producing something useful or more importantly something beautiful. In my mind something useful (in all the good ways) is something beautiful. I'm trying to stop and examine my motives and outcomes in a less frantic and more intuitive way. I am only one person and I can stay busy my whole life, ruin myself, and fail to have any meaningful product or I can stop, breath, and do what I can. I am in fact no superhero.
I'm writing this after two days of feeling like a superhero. I managed to do most of my monthly documentation, have 2 of my most poorly documented cases reviewed for errors, sleep 5 hours nightly, find a new apartment, catch up with loved ones, find a child the RIGHT placement, and I even took a little time to cook. This time had substance and produced what I'd like to think were good products, and I even managed to minimize my "fazzledness". I realize of course that every day cannot be like this or I will most likely die at age 25 of heart failure or in a car wreck driving fanatically somewhere (maybe I'll die this way anyways :)... many of my loved ones have expressed this fear). I must stop and realize I am only one person and that just as I am here for others to lean on, there are others that are willing to lend me a shoulder when necessary.
The exhaustion of this kind of life (the kind of life I've been blindly leading for the last 5, 6, maybe even 7 years) has finally began to really surface. I realize that behind all this hustle there is beauty, but there is also empty busy work that I've done out of fear, or tasks that I've put more energy than they deserved into because I feared failure or had the wrong motivations or refused to say no.
Each moment is becoming more precious and as it does, each moment becomes more beautiful and less urgent. Even if I feel a child's life is in my hands, I must relax and use my calm to help calm their fears. Urgency is often present in my work, but the urgency is only in the fear. If I use love and the brain that I have recently neglected because of emotional overwhelm, I will survive and not only will I survive but I will quite possibly do what I am trying to do as a social worker, help others in their survival.
This lesson can easily be learned from the teenagers I work with. They learn to survive and they have given up on the urgency. I see how this urgency has sometimes turned into fear, manipulation, and lack of trust. This urgency that sprung from feelings of inadequacy, feelings of abandonment, feelings of no one ever listening to them, and also feelings that most normal teenagers will experience reguardless. These children, almost adults, have given up on the urgency because often the adults only see the urgency and fail to see the child, the child hidden behind the almost adult face and the adult like coping skills of manipulation and negative coping. If I am to ever be productive or happy in my job (or even life), I have to forget the urgency and even forget the sadness of these souls' pasts and just focus on what I am able to do and need to do to show them that I will look past their masks of negative coping and take the time to see them.
I hope this doesn't sound self righteous. I only mean that this is what I must do, this is what we all must do in dealing with each others more unpleasant sides (including our own inner (or external) darker selves). I don't by any means feel I've mastered this. I'm just trying my best, and that is all I can do.
I'm writing this after two days of feeling like a superhero. I managed to do most of my monthly documentation, have 2 of my most poorly documented cases reviewed for errors, sleep 5 hours nightly, find a new apartment, catch up with loved ones, find a child the RIGHT placement, and I even took a little time to cook. This time had substance and produced what I'd like to think were good products, and I even managed to minimize my "fazzledness". I realize of course that every day cannot be like this or I will most likely die at age 25 of heart failure or in a car wreck driving fanatically somewhere (maybe I'll die this way anyways :)... many of my loved ones have expressed this fear). I must stop and realize I am only one person and that just as I am here for others to lean on, there are others that are willing to lend me a shoulder when necessary.
The exhaustion of this kind of life (the kind of life I've been blindly leading for the last 5, 6, maybe even 7 years) has finally began to really surface. I realize that behind all this hustle there is beauty, but there is also empty busy work that I've done out of fear, or tasks that I've put more energy than they deserved into because I feared failure or had the wrong motivations or refused to say no.
Each moment is becoming more precious and as it does, each moment becomes more beautiful and less urgent. Even if I feel a child's life is in my hands, I must relax and use my calm to help calm their fears. Urgency is often present in my work, but the urgency is only in the fear. If I use love and the brain that I have recently neglected because of emotional overwhelm, I will survive and not only will I survive but I will quite possibly do what I am trying to do as a social worker, help others in their survival.
This lesson can easily be learned from the teenagers I work with. They learn to survive and they have given up on the urgency. I see how this urgency has sometimes turned into fear, manipulation, and lack of trust. This urgency that sprung from feelings of inadequacy, feelings of abandonment, feelings of no one ever listening to them, and also feelings that most normal teenagers will experience reguardless. These children, almost adults, have given up on the urgency because often the adults only see the urgency and fail to see the child, the child hidden behind the almost adult face and the adult like coping skills of manipulation and negative coping. If I am to ever be productive or happy in my job (or even life), I have to forget the urgency and even forget the sadness of these souls' pasts and just focus on what I am able to do and need to do to show them that I will look past their masks of negative coping and take the time to see them.
I hope this doesn't sound self righteous. I only mean that this is what I must do, this is what we all must do in dealing with each others more unpleasant sides (including our own inner (or external) darker selves). I don't by any means feel I've mastered this. I'm just trying my best, and that is all I can do.
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