Ounces of Sanity

I don't know if I or anyone else at the office can handle much more, but we're all trying and trying to keep our spirits up in the process :). Today I added yet another precious being to my case load. I don't want to in any way disclose anything confidential and so this is all I'll say- I'm barely scratching the surface of what is required for my children and families, and I'm definitely not doing what is best. I will survive, but I feel as if I'm constantly counteracting the whole purpose of why I came into this field. I had to tell a child his case was transferring to a new worker and nearly started crying. I felt victory because I didn't cry, but I felt defeat in the frustrating feeling that these children need one thing more than anything- Consistency in love and consistency in care. Two things that are often hard to accomplish especially for the children on my case load that are increasing receiving a reputation in our office....

By this point I have only ounces of sanity left, but as soon as I have things in at least some things worked out for some of my kids, I'm going to try and keep myself healthy by going for a LONG, LONG run. I know this is supposed to be positive... I can say, that there are caring and loving people out there, but we have few and far between resources. Our children are suffering because our politics are not looking at the long term and our system is too divided. I will one day help change this, but for today, I will continue to learn, grow, and at this moment, maintain my sanity. ;).

Neither Mourning nor Rejocing

Today I didn't really know what to think of the historical death. One thought was that it gave our president a very good lead in the upcoming election. A thought, as a social service worker, that brought me some relief. I'm becoming much more moderate lately, but I do know that generally conservative government means budget cuts for my already struggling field. On a deeper level, I was very conflicted about how to feel about the situation, and all of the celebration seemed leave me feeling uneasy. I also felt as if the unity of celebration was a little refreshing, but the uneasiness came when I thought of the slightly barbaric nature of celebrating the death of any human being, even a "monster".

One of my friends used a King quote to very appropriately describe this historic event, "I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

I also found an NPR article on the subject entitled Is It Wrong to Celebrate Bin Laden's death and it describes all these emotions, just as King did, much more clearly and eloquently than I could do in my sloppy tangents. I encourage all to read it if they want a simple opinion on the matter. The last line is particularly moving. 

The last line of the article puts it perfectly -"If we have any feeling of victory or triumph in the case, it should be because we have succeeded in disabling him — not because he is dead."

Twilight

Twilight is defined as the soft, diffused light from the sky when the sun is below the horizon, either from daybreak to sunrise or, more commonly, from sunset to nightfall.

 

It is secondly defined as the period in the morning or, more commonly, in the evening during which this light prevails.

 

The last definition listed is a terminal period, especially after full development, success, etc.

 

Twilight is also a bicycle race that occurs in Athens, Georgia every April in which the city celebrates in true Athens fashion by taking part in excessive libations. As with most of the more rambunctious traditions of Athens, I never experienced this event until the spring of my senior year. Ironically, this event marks very significant transitions and experiences in my own life (twilights if you will). It marks the beginning of a friendship and the twilight of other friendships. It also was a time in my life in which I was reaching a twilight in my own life. I was essentially finished with college and was also coming full circle on a full dose of self discovery and growing up. In the year leading up to April 2010, I had experienced my first funeral of someone dear to me, some pretty emotional family situations, my first year of complete financial independence, my first quasi-serious relationship, my first semester of a more "traditional" college experience (if you get my drift ;)), I'd traveled to Chicago and LA on my own... I'd learned a lot about myself and I had been able to secure a job after graduation. I had grown more in the year preceding this event than I probably had in my entire 21 years of existence. The weather for twilight 2010 was pretty dreadful, but I spent the day with some dear people and it was a point in my life that I felt happy and as if the future were looking bright. 

 

A year later, it feels as if an entire decade has passed since my first Twilight. This weekend was twilight 2011 and the weather was beautiful and the people were equally beautiful. I feel as if, yet again,  I am coming to a twilight point in my life. I have worked in my first professional job for almost a year, and I've experienced a lot of growth in the past year. Probably less transition and change, but still, due to the nature of my job, it has been an experience. The year has shown me that I wasn't strong enough to not oscillate in my values and that I've pushed my usually strong will to the wayside to avoid the sadness I see in my career. I've started strengthening my will again and regaining hope. I've learned this hopelessness has been a direct product of my inability to see my own strengths and I've learned to mold hope through utilizing every skill I have. I've also learned I'm not skilled in a lot of things and I'm trying to accept this fact. I've learned to make dear friends and to accept and give love more appropriately and genuinely. I've learned a lot about love and relationships in general and the complexities that they inhabit. 

 

All of the last year seemed to climax yesterday in the height of the twilight festivities. I had so many people I cared about in town and the weather was beautiful, but I'd slipped into old, unhealthy habits and I was trying to drown away an intense month that had left me emotionally and physically exhausted. 

I woke up this morning feeling a lot different than I had a year ago. I was not still in college and yesterday was not the fun and games that last year had been. I have too much responsibility and knowledge now to run carefree, and I tried too hard to do this yesterday. I have to be true to who I really am and not hold on to some piece of myself that was a piece that brought me fun, but not peace. I felt so uneasy all day I forced myself to go for a run to clear my head and boost my endorphins. I ran for about 45 minutes and listened to Adelle. It was cleansing and I reflected on what my next phase of life will hold and on the marks that the last year have left on my soul. I realized that I'm much to fagile to have the extreme growing pains I've had in the past two years. I hope by this time next year, my life will be about the same, except I will be renewed, refreshed, stronger, and at a place where I can begin to grow again. 

 

Twilight is my favorite time of day. I've gotten to experience some of the most beautiful moments during this time. There is something about watching the sun set or rise that gives hope and purpose even when it is scarce. It is one of the natural phenomenon's that I often forget to notice on a daily basis. People always say after bad days, that the sun will still rise tomorrow. In definition, twilight indicates success, and I found myself feeling as if I have no successes during this last year of my life. I realize, however, that the trials of the last year have taught me what I will need to be successful in the future. Most importantly, it has taught me that what really matters is the moments when peace fills my heart. A peace that is overwhelmingly filled with love. I'm searching for ways to make these moments happen as naturally as the sun sets and rises everyday. There will always be sunsets and sunrises filled with clouds, but even amongst storms, the sun never refuses to rise and set. Even in the worst weather there is a beauty at twilight that is breathtaking.