Naturally

Today was a very odd day, climatically. As I walked outside, the foliage reminded me it was winter, but the sun's bright glow and warmth upon my skin preached a different story. It was as though God was telling us to be hopeful through the winter and decided to give us a very early reminder of how beautiful spring time can be.

I have had several conversations about the whether and how it affects our moods. As beautiful as a rainy day can be, there is something about sunshine that can make even the darkest of situations feel a little brighter (both physically but also internally).

Days like today make me glad that there are forces to preserve our natural environment. The natural world and the miraculous beauties that are underneath all of the man made constructions are our closest connection to God. The only thing closer is of course ourselves and other living creatures.

Days like today are beautiful because the ability to enjoy them does not discriminate. I hope everyone got to take at least a few minutes to stop, take a breath, and marvel at how beautiful our world can sometimes be.

Heartless

 I find myself sometimes wishing that there was a way to turn off my heart. I often wish I could turn off my brain, but ultimately it is the thoughts that come from the heart that cause so much pain. I'm already soulless being a red head and all, so maybe I shouldn't ever wish for such a thing. ;)

I think the only reason I've wished this lately, is that I've been getting full heapings of heart ache from many fronts in my life. My clients, my friends, my family, and even just people I meet through circumstance seem to all be experiencing some very substantial heartache, and I, for the first time in my life, have experienced some of my first real doses of heartache. I think my problem is that I was so blessed during my most of my life, so sheltered and loved, that I thought the whole world had this same experience. Don't get me wrong, I've always seen the heartbreak in the world, that is why I was the 10 year old reading books about the holocaust and slavery, but I was always so removed from it in my own experiences.

Now as I'm moving into the next month of my year of positivity, my thoughts and prayers are with everyone experiencing the sharp pangs of the heart. I know with time everything changes and pain gets much easier, but I'm just ready to put some time between the pains of the past and joy of the future. So in short, I would not want to turn my heart off because it would take away all of the beauty in addition to the pain. The pain will get better with time, but the beauty would be lost forever. 

February is in fact the month of valentines day... so get prepared for some "heartfelt" posts. This year Valentine's day will be especially hard but also especially beautiful because I'm surrounded by so many people I love.

Soulful

I've fallen in love with a band. Maybe I'll drop everything and become a groupie. I always loved the movie almost famous, but I don't want to end up like Penny. I would however love to follow around an artistic movement that has the power to pierce my heart like this band. I'm realizing how to be myself both the parts that make since and the parts that don't. I don't really know what exactly it is about these musicians or the words to these songs, but they reach down inside and make me feel alive. In particular, I love Little Lion Man 

Every day after work I turn it up and sing at the top of my lungs. I've heard a lot of people do this, but this isn't comon for me. I also don't usally like yelling one particular word, but in this song I yell it loudly and feel it for everything this naughty word is meant to be. It isn't meant to be overused or abused as any word shouldn't be, but it is used only when the full emotion and force behind the word is necessary. I'm being very vague, but listen to the link and you'll figure out what I'm talking about. This new lovely habbit really cuts all the nastiness of the day away and reminds me that I'm human and that today I have tried and I also may have failed, but it will all be ok, maybe just not the way I'd pictured it.

Independence

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Believe in kissing."
— Eve Ensler

I find that by this point in the world most of what is important enough to be said has already been said in so many words by someone else. I found this passage and feel it says exactly what I woul want to say, but much more eloquently. I guess this is my feminist post for the year ;), since Eve is the creator of The Vagina Monalougues. This show usually comes out on Valentines day, so I guess I'll ponder more on this day, much less eloquently I'm sure... Until then, do something new on your own. 

Bravery

Often we think the brave are those who do extraordinary things, or decide to do something selfless like join the military or become a firefighter. I find my own bravery when I choose to stick with the hard things and many others I imagine do the same.

What would happen if we saw bravery in the criminals, bravery in the "lower" of society, bravery in the woman that has worked in the food industry for the past 30 years and never decided to give up. What if we looked past the label and saw everyone's story and how they have endured extoidinary circumstances, despite any negative things on the surface. I know my own personal bravery is sometimes not bravery at all, but advancement and survival, just as many others we see. The difference is that I've been given more opportunities to "survive"and to do so much more easily.

I think every human has a bravery in them, that no matter how hidden it may be, has the capacity for greatness. When I look into the faces of the teenagers I work with. The ones society often looks down on as delinquent, I do not see the anger, I do not see the hatred, I do not see the capacity for harm, but I see a sadness and a bravery that rips at parts of my heart that I often ignore. The part of my heart, where I have to acknowledge that the world can be very cruel and unfair. These children may steal, they may have "uncontrollable" anger, and they may even smoke a little marijuana, but they are brave beyond their years. Put in their same position I would probably act the same. This position being a position where often only the delinquency can be seen and not the path that brought me there or the good that is often masked by these delinquent acts. I would probably act the same way, most likely worse. Could I be so brave? Could you be so brave?

I don't say all of this to bring myself or others down, but to only urge and encourage us all to not look upon the surface and to give everyone a chance. I'm not saying to be stupid, take care of yourself, but remember, sometimes all anyone needs is someone to show them that they see the good in them, when everyone else sees the bad. It is hard, and sometimes it may not appear to make a difference. In life, however, it is the acts we commit with no agenda that make the most differnce. Let your agenda only be to see the good where others may not.

Restless

"When my blood runs warm with the warm red wine, I missed the life that I left behind. And when I hear the sound of the black bird's cry, I know I left in the nick of time. Well this road I'm on is gonna turn to sand, and leave me lost in a far off land. So let me ride the wind till I don't look back, and forget the life that I almost had. If I wander till I die may I know whose hand I'm in. If my home I'll never find and let me live again. The longer I run then the less that I find, selling my soul for a nickel and dime, breakin my heart to keep singing these rhymes, losing again. Tell my brother please not to look for me. I ain't the man that I used to be.  Cause if my savior comes could you let him know. I've gone away, forward to save my soul."

 

                                                Longer I Run by Peter Bradley Adams

I'm restless and need a change. I was raised in the same house in the same small town for 18 years, and am terrified of change; however, I am realizing that I have wings and not roots. Roots get me too comfortable and I begin to feel suffocated. This suffocation disguises itself as fear, procrastination, and unease. I've been in the same town for almost five years. Coming to this town was an immense culture shock and with each change I never grew restless as I grew and changed in my new environment. Today, however, I've outgrown my surroundings. I've gotten stagnant and want to escape. I think this is a very natural feeling and is probably why so many people are afraid of commitment.

We either doubt that what we have is what we need, or we doubt our ability to travel to unknown places. Doubt can cause us to never sprout our wings or plant our roots.

Is the doubt causing my restlessness, or is doubt keeping me grounded? In the past, doubt has kept me rooted and caused me to pass up opportunities of growth, but this time, I think I'm doubting my ability to grow in this environment. I want to escape this town because I don't want to face all the ways I've changed in the city. I want to pack up only the good experiences and changes and run until no one knows my name and I can start fresh and not bring my mishaps and growth areas with me.

I am not going to do this. I'm going to choose bravery and the harder path. In this bravery I may be weak, but I will not leave now. If I did, realistically, all the past would follow me and I would only re-create the past in a new environment. I need to soar in my soul, not in my footpath. When I'm ready, and it is right, I'll leave to discover the world, and not to escape. If i chose the easy path, I'd have to leave a lot of people behind and I need these people to be in my life as I push through to finish sorting out myself and life.

I'll continue to be restless, and to help appease this, I want to go on adventures and explore, without escaping. Adventures good for the soul, join me in discovering the beauty of the world and rediscovering the beauty within each of us. Wash out the feelings of doubt, wash away your chains, and leap into the life that you have at this moment. I've looked at tickets to Ireland today and maybe I'll get to go someday soon. More realistically, I've already started planned a camping trip with Miranda and Erin for the spring

Laughter

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.  ~Kurt Vonnegut

Fear

 On some positions,
Cowardice asks the question
"Is it safe?"
Expediency asks the question
"Is it politic?"
 And Vanity comes along and asks the question
"Is it popular?"
But Conscience asks the question
"Is it right?"
And there comes a time
when one must take a position
that is neither safe,
nor politic, nor popular,
but he must do it because
Conscience tells him it is right.
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 

I just finished a book called "Why good people do bad things." Humorously enough, I found this book on the very classy "text from last night" website and used it as a joke with a friend. I was in borders and couldn't resist buying the book when I saw it. After buying it I perused through it and realized that it actually seemed worthy of reading and was based on my favorite psychologists. Ironically, even though I am in the field of Social Work, I don't usually like too much psychology theory. This probably should have convinced me to change my major, but that is what living is all about- finding your way by taking road blocks. I decided that the book was worth reading and since I'm trying to read more lately anyways, I dug right in. After finishing the book, I was left very self aware and a little awed. 

It almost made me believe in fate. Could some higher power have possibly led me down the humorous and random path to finding this book, just so that I can be enlightened?? :) Who knows??? In short, the book discusses "shadow complexes" that we all play out in our lives. It was a very intellectual book and I had to remain very dedicated to actually finish it, but the truth that lies between it's pages is artful, humble, and so painfully human. 

Recently, as my earlier posts indicated, I've become very disheartened by the world and my own actions. I began to see little good in the world (for a social worker, this can be suicide). I realize now that part of the reason is that I was discovering and growing myself, and self discovery is never easy. As we grow, we have more time to see and experience faults, failures, and unfulfilled dreams. We have the front row tickets to our own negative growing pains, and so we either choose to detrimentally focus on them or fatally project our feelings onto others to make us feel better. After reading this book, it was refreshing to see that I am not alone in realizing this pattern and growing uneasy as I learn to know myself better. The book is all about how we bear burdens that navigate our lives and cripple us. This is called the "shadow". I'm not one for psychobabble, self- help books, or looking at things from black and white, but the pages of this book do not contain any of this. The pages draw from great minds in all fields (including religion, literature, psychology..) and simply acknoledges the importance of self reflection and understanding where ur fears come from so that we can conquer them and reach self-actualization. 

I will not get any deeper into this complex idea, as my eyes get sleepy and I'm sure I've reached that point my dad always reaches in his intellectual speach (the point where my readers are baffled). I only wish to say that fear is here for a reason, but that it is easy to allow fear in many forms to take over our lives. We must realize where logical fear falls away to the fears that hold us back from dreaming, loving, and getting through the hard patches where hope may be scarce (the hope is only scarce because the fear has become overwhelming.) Free your self from your shadow and read the book if you have some time and the dedication.

Simplicity

~Tis a gift to be simple, 

Tis a gift to be free, 

Tis a gift to get down where you ought to be

And when you are in the place just right, 

You will be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gained, 

To bow and to break we will not be ashamed

To turn, to turn and will be our delight 

Till by turning, turning we turn round right. ~

I just spent the last hour in my second attempt to start "scrap-booking" my past. I'm usually violently opposed to participating in old lady crafts and trendy habits (it is the artist child within, this does not squelch my love for these creations made by others.) However, my more anal and minimalist nature desires to make a tidy and artistic creation out of my two boxes of memories. I have long ago decided to never become a pack-rat and usually take on the neurotic antithesis of this habit. I throw everything away; however, my nastalgic side consistently battles this neurosis and has allowed me these two boxes of memories.

Sorting through these boxes reminds me why people become pack rats. The memories remind us of the past and stop us in our every day hustle to remind us of moments when life was more simple or just to remind us of all we have been through. Our brains become so overloaded that we seldom stop from our current worries to remember our past loves, experiences, and lessons. When rumaging, I realized how I'd gotten through so many stressful times and am left today relatively unscathed despite how much worry I put into the situation at the time. The artifacts from past events do not bring up worry about the past, but remind me of the more important emotions of the memories. Even if the memories are sad ones, I realize that the sadness may resurface, but I have moved past it. This reminded me that any current sadness that we may experience, really does get better with time.  For example, I read a very emotional goodbye letter from a time when someone I loved most dearly chose a path that would keep me and her apart for a very long time. A path that also left me feeling hurt and abandoned. But when reading the letter, I saw it through less selfish eyes, becaue the pain of the moment had clouded me in the past, but the pain had subsided and I instead saw the love in the letter.

In these two boxes, I found many things. Things that made me laugh, things that made me cry (from both joy and sorrow), and most importantly I found strength. Most of the items were pictures, letters, or other trinkets from people that are or have been very important in my life. The tears streaming down my face reminded me that life really is about the people in our lives. Without these people our memories would mean nothing. In the crazy world we live in, this simple fact often becomes complicated by stress, selfishness, and fear.

The most beautiful thing that I found in this box, was a handwritten copy of the song above. I believe it was hand written by one of my father's sisters, but I don't know how it ended up in this box. This song encompasses all of the memories, because it is not the box of tangible objects that are important, but the simplicity that can be found when looking back at a memory. This simplicity reminds me that I need to enjoy this more in the present rather than having to look back on the past to discover it. I guess this is what this project is truly about, "getting in that place just right" and finding the valley of "love and delight".

Alas, no scrap booking was accomplished, but I'm working diligently not to care. Because the memories are worth far more than my neurotic desire to have my memories more perfectly preserved. Simplicity is most certainly not about perfection. I can't wait; however, until I've done this enough times to finally get past the memories and start the project so I can more easily share pictures and memories with others. (and to make the many moves I anticipate in the future a little easier ;) )

Money

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." -Jimi Hendrix

It wasn't until quite recently that I ever really got upset about money. When I say "really" upset, I mean truely hopeless and not the petty angsts of a child who didn't get to buy as many clothes or get as nice of a car as her friends. 

Ironically enough, my new realizations and disdain for economic dynamics happened around the first time in my life that I was living above the poverty line. I was raised in a loving home by two "middle class" parents. Middle class meaning they both came from middle class family and we lived somewhat of a middle class lifestyle. However, now that I have a stable income, I'm realizing exactly how hard it is to get by and how little my family, not only survived on, but seemingly thrived. I can tell you that at most times, my wonderful parents raised my sister and I on much less than what I appear to be scraping by on currently. 


I've always been a little poor monetarily, but I'm so grateful that I was very rich in many other ways. Plus, my family had a lot of family support and education. It is the people I see in cyclical poverty with out the resources I was afforded and the hieracry's of our society that I am just now beginning to understand. I see how poverty can drive people to search after power in other ways, causing them to often reek havoc on others or themselves. Essentially, we live in a society where money, or the illusion of money, is quite often our greatest source of power. It is this search for power that often trumps the more gentle and truly humane search for more beneficial things like peace, self-actualization, love, integrity...


Politicians base most of their decisions around appealing to the masses around a number of social issues, but many Americans selfishly (or maybe self preservation) look shallowly at the bottom line- how will this affect my life. Generally the greatest way we see it affecting our lives is through our check books. Often, in a search for monetary power, the poor want more government support and the rich want the government to stop taxing them. This is a somewhat simplistic view, but it is often the truth. 


All of this has been sparked by recent news that the governor of georgia wants to cut social service jobs and stop furloughing teachers. Both education and social services have been marginalized for years, yet both make enough to live above poverty (usually.. I've heard the number of social service workers elligible for food stamps can be upsetting); however, they are jobs that are supposed to be advancing our society and improving our quality of life and they are among the most lowest paid professions. I'm glad to hear Mr. Deal wants to stop furloughing our hard working teachers, but from a slightly biased rage I am speachless that he wants to cut jobs in social services. He is appealing to the masses, while using societal biases to feed another way to set up our marginalized citizens to fail. Instead of cutting our workers, increase their wages and hire to people to improve the system. If the system is improved, then ultimately we will find better ways to improve our welfare system and break the cycle of poverty (the same poverty that is often a correlate and stressor contributing to the counterpart of social services, child welfare). 


Now the positive twist. I must admit I detoured from my blogs purpose and cried out in anger, but I promise to leave you with a positive word. For every radical and seemingly closed-minded person I've met, I've met ten that see the bigger picture and often branch outside of their personal biases to see how society can be changed and everyone can have basic human rights and a better standard of living. Additionally, for everytime I judge someone as closed-minded or selfish, I am overwhelmingly corrected by their ability to show more compassion than I'd ever feel capable. I am humbled, but hopeful after these such encounters.

The Lowest Class

"Be nice to everyone you meet. They are fighting battles you know nothing about."

Tonight I was reminded why I often loose hope in the philosophy that all people are good. I was enticed to leave the house and a little happy to get a little of my cabin fever out. I was tired and a little grumpy. My friend ran into one of her friends while we were out and the friend was with a group of older men. These older men flocked to me because I have this theory about vulnerability*. I've been more vulnerable in the last two years of my life then ever before, and I've attracted my share of people who whether intentionally or unintentionally prey on this vulnerability. Lately, I've been working on strength, but tonight my guard was down and I was feeling pretty vulnerable.

I was at a bar and choosing not to drink because I had to work in the morning and am trying to take better care of my body in many ways. It was one of the older gentleman's birthday and he was paying particular attention to me. He made a point to compliment me, try and touch me, and several attempts to buy me drinks. I continued to politely decline. I explained I needed to be alert because I had to work the next day and my job means a lot to me. He countered that he also had to work and his job is important. I asked what he did and he went on about how he makes furniture. Then he asked me why my job was so important and I told him I was a social worker. He replied "You don't need to be alert, you deal with the lowest class." The fire that 5 years ago would have sent me into an angry tangent reared it's head. However, I've learned to pick my battles and choose my words wisely. I simply replied that it isn't that simple and I usually work with children (yes I pulled the children card, I was tired and feeling a little defeated). He said "oh of course they aren't the lowest class and then tried to say I probably work with some "s*&%^y" parents though." Thinking of my clients, I realized that I would never describe them as he did. As much as I sometimes feel hopeless and defeated after talking to certain clients, I usually see them not as lower, but as defeated and hopeless themselves. 

Thankfully, I didn't have to stay much longer at the bar and I tried to ignore this gentleman the rest of the night. I was left with angst in my heart against him and his "type". People like him, who I consider the lowest class because of their inability to see the good in a person and their seeming ability to prey on the weak. Then, however, I felt the pangs of being wrong. I've felt these pangs quite often lately as I'm learning things are never as simple as they appear or I would like them to be. Maybe in judging this man, I had become the lower class. I do not know where his ideas sprung from or what he has experienced. Just because he made me feel uncomfortable and felt he could try and hit on a woman half his age does not make him a bad person. If I'm going to make it, I'm going to have to see the good in everyone, especially the ones I feel personally victimized by. This is a arduous task, and one I started a few years ago and have made little progress in. This continues to be my greatest source of weakness with my biggest potential for growth. 

I encourage us all to take the people in our lives who have caused us the most pain and to see them as we would see a starving child or a wounded soldier. Their struggles, however, may be less socially acceptable to help and more deeply hidden in the complexities of living in this world. Learning to love our own weaknesses and discovering our struggles is the first step in this process. Love and support are some of the ways to get through this difficult task.  

* This theory has been based on my instincts and social observation. I'm realizing that both are usually pretty accurate. However, no empirical research has been done at this time to prove this theory or delve deeper into it's complexities :).

Why Snow, of course!

Be daring,
be different,
be impractical,
be anything that will assert
integrity of purpose and
imaginative vision
against the play-it-safers,
the creatures of the commonplace,
the slaves of the ordinary.
-Sir Cecil Beaton

This blog is supposed to be about work; however this is problematic because I've worked less in the  last week then I ever do :). Today they closed my office because of the massive snow storm that blanketed Athens with a beautiful white dust. I love how snow in Georgia turns our world upside down. I've always dreamt of moving away from Georgia and probably will one day; however, snow days will never be the same as they are here. I may have pnemonia tomorrow (and some very questionable bruises from falling down my stairs in my stockinged feet...), but today was amazing. It made me feel like a child again. It was the first time in a long time that I let my worries go, I didn't even try to do any work. 


Snow has a very magical power. It can turn the dingiest aspects of our environment into a beautiful masterpiece. For example I looked outside at our gigantic pile of trash that we forgot to take out and it was transformed by a beautiful white blanket. Social workers are kind of like snow (yeah that is right, I'm finding a way to make this about work). Social work is intended to draw the beauty out of the often grundy situations our world gets itself into. Similarly this is how people in general try to live our lives, showing the beauty rather than the baggage. 


But as the snow melts, the filth is rediscovered and usually worsened by gray sludge. Similarly, as I've entered the field and delved deeper into human behavior I realize this is also how we try to solve our own and each others problems. We put on a superficial blanket that eventually erodes and makes our lives an even bigger mess. I am not excluded from this pattern. I haven't always fallen prey, but when I do, I fall hard. 


Wouldn't it be beautiful if we embraced the snow and the sludge. I've done it in the past. Often it is in the search for only snow that we loose our uniqueness and ambition. Please remember that whether you feel like a snowy day or the sludgey aftermath, you are still beautfully and wonderfully made. In the wonderful words of Katy Perry "Baby you're a fire work"! I usually don't care for very trendy songs, but I just love her's ;)

Spontaneity

Today me and some beautiful people people had an impromptu visit to Terrapin and mexican after work. Similarly the life of a social worker involves a specific amount of spontaneity. The one glass of beverage I consumed made me very sleepy and so today's post is simple. Living life according to plan is important, but we must break this routine often.

I was raised by an artist, I was never allowed to colored in coloring books. My parents told me that working within lines stifled creativity. Color your life outside the lines, it is much more exciting.

The Truth Hurts

Today was probably my first real day back at work. Real meaning that I felt as if my head were in a million differnt places and I accomplished everything and nothing. My sister texted me today and said she saw the episode of Brothers and Sisters that highlighted the foster parent process. She told me she cried and realized just how tough my job is. So I guess anyone curious about the life of a social worker, should watch this instead of reading my lousy blog ;). 

Enough negativity... ugh.. I guess I'm really out of practice with my "cheerful sparkle" haha. Since today truely was a little dreary- rain, I'm sick, and crying clients- I'm ironically writing about the art of lying.. um I mean focusing on the beauty ;). 

Seriously though, today I got to take two of my little cutie pies home from school. It is when I get to spend time with the actual chilren, and not the traditional 6' teenage boys that tend to frequent my case load, I begin to feel very old, but increasingly hopeful. I sat through the 15 minute car ride listening to them talk about their first day back and the Christmas holiday. These two little ones, we will call them Shaun and Kayla, are 5 and 7 (respectively). This is my favorite age range because 5-8ish year olds will usually engage easily in conversation, but are still young enough to possess a sincerey and unsensored beauty that reminds me why I'm in my profession. In truth, however, these two little ones are quite sneaky and it is often impossible to decipher what is fact and fiction. It reminds me that I think the only time in my life when I've ever been dishonest was probably at this same age. I was told by my mom that I fluttered my eyelashes when I lied. I think I probably stopped lying because of how ineffective I was ;).... this holds true today. 

The highlight of my drive back from their school happend when Sam started telling me a tale about how his teacher wanted him to make me something. This made me very curious, since I've only met his teacher twice and I'm quite sure she would get him to make his grandmother or someone else something before me. I asked him what he was going to make me and he went on about a picture and then said a heart. It was all quite cute and made me feel quite special (sometimes its ok to exploit 5 year olds compliments, if it helps you get through the day ;)). Then he went on to say that I am his favorite. The kicker of the story- all of this happened after I promised to buy him and Kayla a snack. I then asked adorable little Sam (he truly is a little cutie pie) if the reason I'm his favorite is because I'm buying him a snack. He replied with extreme honesty, "yes", hahaha!!

Conversely, and with a melancholic twist, I also met with one of my adult clients today, we'll call her Tammy. Tammy is one of my moms who I really have grown to cherish, even though I am left heartbroken after almost every visit with her. She usually cries during interviews and today was no exception. Back when I first started in June, Tammy was my first parent interview. She started crying during this meeting, and I of course teared up during this meeting. I left that interview with a haunting feeling that I'm not cut out for my job, but since I've grown more stregnth in withholding my tears. During this interview Tammy discussed her stregnths and I know for a fact that she exaggerated in many of her stories about her past or her present misfortunes that have led her to today. Ironically enough, she also talked openly about many weaknesses that she was not prompted by me to bring up. Her honesty and deception left me conflicted almost to the point of tears, much differntly from how the earlier carride with Kayla and Sam had left me in laughter almost to the point of tears. 

I've always hated deception and been painfully honest with both myself and others, which makes for a very interesting life. My job and the general process of growing up has abruptly taught me that the world does not share this view. Why do people lie? I think children like Kayla and Sam lie because they are shaping a reality and see reality as they want to, they are hopeful the world is going to be as they depict it. Kayla and Sam have been through a lot and undoubtably they are probably more jaded than I'd like to hope, but children have an ability to endure hopefully in the midst of adversity. Adults seem to lie for a completely different reason, it seems as if sometimes adults like Tammy lie in order to gain favor in the world. What, however, is behind this selfish motive? A lack of hope? I think so. In life, people often become hopeless that the good will perserve and turn to misdeeds or oddly enough they turn to lying to themselves in order to catch any glimpse of hope they can. 

What does this all mean? Lying isn't as simple as I once believed. It is more innocently based in insecurity and even sometimes hope. I still have not changed my conviction that lying should be avoided. I have, however, learned, as I do almost everyday in my job, to reserve judgment and to examine the lies in my own life. With this I encourage you to do the same and to encourage honesty in others. Encouraging others to be honest not through judgmental eyes, but as a person that people can feel comfortable to tell the truth around. If Sam can tell me the truth at the expense of not getting another snack from his caseworker, then you can do it at the expense of feeling vulnerable or whatever may be holding you back from the truth.

You've got a friend

"When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand and nothing, oh nothing is going right, close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there to brighten up even your darkest night." - James Taylor 

On my first day back at work, after a night of anxious sleep, I awoke and did everything I could to avoid the inevitable. I pressed snooze a million times and then finally woke up and went to the gym. This is a big deal since I loath gyms and mornings.


To my surprise, I was greeted at work, not by a pile of horrific things I'd left undone, but by a reminder that we have a meeting and had to sit and learn about mental health providers in our area until 2 PM. During each presentation we were given gifts and told by our wonderful community partners how much they appreciate us. Needless to say, some higher power knew that today needed to be inspiring ;).


Then when I finally went to got to my desk to check my emails, voicemail, and mailbox, I was not greeted by an overwhelming chaos, but by a very manageable load. Maybe it was my attitude and not the actual amount of work that made it easy to manage, but either way it was exciting. One of the emails even contained pictures from our work halloween carnival. Since confidentiality forbids me from posting pictures with my adorable children, I've included a picture of me looking very happy.. at work of all places. ;)


So remember, when you're down, allow others to cheer you up and when you can spare some joy spread it to those who may need it. Whether through a smile, a simple gift, or an honest compliment, it could brighten someone's day more than you ever realize

The Futrue

"I've looked at life from both sides now. From up and down, and still somehow, it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all." -Joni Mitchell

This has always been my favorite song. I discovered it on my favorite movie, Love Actually, and loved it so much that I chose it for my high school senior dance recital and then four years later in a senior undergraduate project. My love for the lyrics and feeling of the song has remained unwavering. I guess this is largely because it is a idyllic coming of age song. It is also very soulful and pensive, and I instinctively am hopelessly idealistic, soulful, and pensive.. sigh.


This project is intended to highlight moments in life that involve the world and finding beauty; however, I am using today for my self absorbed post. Today is the last day of my first sabbatical from my first "grown up" job. When I started this job, my life was in a messy place and my workplace was also in a messy place. In the last 7 months the office has gotten better, and I got increasingly messier. The last two weeks have given me time to reflect and prepare to start fresh.

One of the reasons that my life got progressively messier? Undoubtably the painful yet beautiful experience that is growth. In growth, humanity often feels more pain that pleasure; however the benefits are usually beautiful and worth all the pain. It usually takes much time to discover this beauty. I've done a lot of painful growing this year. In the midst of this growth I lost much of my previously grand organizational and planning skills. I've realized increasingly more "It's life's illusions i've recalled, I really don't know life at all." In coming to this realization I was paralyzed and have been very incompetent in most areas of my life. My previous convictions could no longer aide my nature to think about the future or even the task at hand. I didn't know where my life was heading for the first time in my life and I was handicapped by fear.

I've never been one to be such a planner that I lay out my entire week in my head on Sunday, or started planning for college during my freshman year of high school. Thankfully, my neuroses never reached this height ;). I did, however, always have a large picture of non-negotiable and most decisions were made based around these non-negotiable future plans. First example, I wanted out of my small town and had little resources. Second example, I knew I wanted to "help people" and so I chose social work. I stayed with social work because of how much I loved it's core ethics. I could go on about these convictions and plans, but I'll spare any readers ;). The point being, I always looked at one predominating factor, and didn't usually change my path in the midst of adversity. I tend to endure through adversity to the verge of insanity (this is a bad habit, I don't recommend it.) In the last few years, I've began to discover the flaw in all this planning and began to live in the moment more. Then in the last year, I began to live in the moment too much. Today, I realize I need a balance, a healthy balance. I've always been a firm advocator for balance in all areas of life, but it is easier said than done. It seems during the last 7 months of temporary life paralysis, I've oscillated and fretted to no avail. I wanted to quit my job, I wanted to move from athens, I wanted to stay in athens and get a thoughtless job, and all I secretly wanted to do was run away from it all.

After this week of clarity and rest, I've examined all the forces influencing these decisions and I've decided that what I need to focus on is how I can best make the world happy and how I can best be happy in the world. These two factors do not have to be exclusive. This answer seems a bit simple in that it is only one sentence, but happiness has forever been a factor that has perplexed and complexed many men. As I'm discovering life, I'm discovering what happiness is. This process never ends, but I'm making progress in separating the rubbish from the gold. Sometimes insecurities, poorly constructed social constructs, stress, and poor personal decisions can cloud our ability to discern happiness from it's evil cousins of greed and self-absorption. All of these factors often cause us to loose hope in the idea of a happy life.

After all this self reflection, I'm still left about as confused about life as you are about this post after reading my poorly constructed tangent. My point abstractly is simply- I'm going to try living in the moment more, but not impulsively, while also having hope for the future, which may include a bit of planning.

More tangibly and lengthy, I've started planning again, but I'm doing it differently. I'm focusing on happiness and my strengths. After planning through new eyes, I've become pretty set on a future in special education. I've always believed the confines of social work extend beyond our field and so I will always be a social worker to my very core. I do plan on staying in my job for the next few years, as I explore how to take my next steps. This isn't just to buy me time (or to literally "buy" things; however, nice it is nice not being a starving student ;)), or even because of my love of living in adversity. I'm choosing to stay because reflection has shown me it is where I need to be to make the families I'm working with and grown to love stronger and also to make myself stronger. As I've complained to many lately, this job highlights many of my less favorable qualities. Qualities that have often held me back. In the past 7 months I've allowed this to defeat me some, but now I'm turning a new leaf and am going to use this job to strengthen these weaker points. 


I've started my search for grad schools and begun the first steps of the process. I'm doing it slowly so that I can do it right. I want to go somewhere completely new without allowing any fears of change or failure to hold me back. I've started researching and the University of Oregon has one of the top special education programs. I'm just starting the process, but I feel drawn towards a place with lots room for outdoor adventure and completely different from where I've always been. My next step is the GRE and looking for assistantships. Aside from exploring these plans for the future, with the help of this project, I'll be focusing on beauty of the moment. Change is difficult, and that is one of the reasons I've started this project, to help keep me accountable :).

Be prepared for much shorter and less narcissistic posts in the future.

Hopeful for Today

"I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today. Take this music and use it. Let it take you away." 

It is wonderful how art can capture the essence of a moment, an emotion, a movement, or even a life. This is my project for 2011. I've never been one for public projects or the feeling that sharing my thoughts with the world is necessary. This may be humorous to anyone reading this that may know my propensity for tangents and talking a bit too much. I'm realizing I do this, because I have way too many thoughts just swirling around in my head, desperate to get out. In actuality, I'm much more confident in writing and so I decided to start this, mainly for catharsis. All those closest to me can be a little relived that this may alleviate my garrulous nature ;). 

Most importantly, this project is a project of sharing joy and good news. During the last two years I've had a lot of beautiful and disheartening growth experiences in graduating college, starting my new job, and especially by the many people who have come in and out of my life. In all of this chaos, I became a little overwhelmed and lost a bit of my optimism and cheerful sparkle. I wish I'd have started this process during 2009 or especially 2010 (since it was such a big year), but I'm learning to live with no regrets. Life is both beautiful and chaotic. We must choose how we navigate it and what we focus on.