Thankful for Rubbish, Thankful for Diamonds

Today I say "F%$! it" as the less sophisticated more worn down of our species may exclaim. I've been wanting to start writing again since August and my efforts have been slack. Today I have feelings, feelings I cannot neglect to share and so today I begin again, today I start over for the umpteenth time. After all, we are always growing, when we stop growing we may as well die.

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

This is the quote that sparked me to write, the material, however, has been lingering for months, floating and buzzing in my thoughts. I've experienced more, grown more, and learned of love more in the last 6 months then I thought possible. I'm surprised that my brain and/or heart have not spontaneously combusted. I guess that this is life's natural progression. When we step outside of our comfort zones and when when we gain introspection, we immediately hit fast forward on growing, learning, and loving. It is a great thing, but it hard at first.

Yesterday was thanksgiving and I was alone. I was not "literally" alone. I spent most of the day at my job as a nanny. I watched over some lovely children and ate some delicious, very perfectly prepared food. But I was alone in the void of the familiar, in the void of tradition, in the void of "My" loved ones, alone in the void of being around the people who are a part of me and have shaped me. The people who have been a part of all of the other 23 thanksgivings of my life. I always thought thanksgiving was a beautiful holiday, but yesterday it's beauty was astounding. It, I believe is my favorite day of celebration. It is one of the most simple, yet beautiful concepts. Gratitude is universal and of the utmost importance. Yesterday also epitomized the theory that we don't always know what we got until it is gone. I've been in and out of seasons of great complaining and thought of feeling I had not gotten to the place I wanted to be in by my age. I would look around and see what others had and I would want to be there. This is why I made a long series of decisions that landed me in the prestigious enclave that is Fairfield County Connecticut. However wrong the thoughts that got me here may have been, many of them were right, and fate has landed me exactly where I need to be. Even if it is a school of hard knocks where I realize many things right in front of me were so beautiful yet I misunderstood them and took them for granite.

Ironically, this year, I am most grateful for the rubbish in my life. I am grateful for the insecurities that forced me to make decisions that led me on this path. I'm grateful for the negative relationship patterns that have showed me what I do not want. I am grateful for distance. Distance between me and people that I love, distance that gives me clarity. Clarity to see how much I miss the positive people. Distance to escape the negative patterns, and learn how to break patterns without dismissing the care I have. Distance that has given me solitude (even if the solitude has been painful). Solitude to be selfish in ways I never was, and to see the ways I was unknowingly selfish before.


In addition to distance, I'm thankful for catastrophe. Catastrophe has not been unheard of in my life. It has been in my life under the mask of bad patterns in communication and insecurity and in dealing with others in states of catastrophe. This year, however, I've had my own share of more obvious catastrophe. I quit a job, I moved on a whim, I had my house flood, and I felt I had no one to help me (even though this was not true). To be dramatic, I've felt homeless, more alone, and less successful than ever before. However, all this rubbish has a beauty hidden deep inside. We'll call it emotional recycling. I'm now able to pull out parts of myself that had been bogged down. As I sort through the detritus, I'm finding diamonds.

There are many diamonds in my life. Most broadly my sister, my mother, my father, grandmothers, family, new friends, old friends, shelter, food, health and self discovery. Conceptually I am thankful for intelligence, charm, awareness, compassion, unity, justice, community, love, opportunity, and forgiveness. Specifically I'm thankful for the people who make the world beautiful and for having the privilege to know so many.