The Truth Hurts

Today was probably my first real day back at work. Real meaning that I felt as if my head were in a million differnt places and I accomplished everything and nothing. My sister texted me today and said she saw the episode of Brothers and Sisters that highlighted the foster parent process. She told me she cried and realized just how tough my job is. So I guess anyone curious about the life of a social worker, should watch this instead of reading my lousy blog ;). 

Enough negativity... ugh.. I guess I'm really out of practice with my "cheerful sparkle" haha. Since today truely was a little dreary- rain, I'm sick, and crying clients- I'm ironically writing about the art of lying.. um I mean focusing on the beauty ;). 

Seriously though, today I got to take two of my little cutie pies home from school. It is when I get to spend time with the actual chilren, and not the traditional 6' teenage boys that tend to frequent my case load, I begin to feel very old, but increasingly hopeful. I sat through the 15 minute car ride listening to them talk about their first day back and the Christmas holiday. These two little ones, we will call them Shaun and Kayla, are 5 and 7 (respectively). This is my favorite age range because 5-8ish year olds will usually engage easily in conversation, but are still young enough to possess a sincerey and unsensored beauty that reminds me why I'm in my profession. In truth, however, these two little ones are quite sneaky and it is often impossible to decipher what is fact and fiction. It reminds me that I think the only time in my life when I've ever been dishonest was probably at this same age. I was told by my mom that I fluttered my eyelashes when I lied. I think I probably stopped lying because of how ineffective I was ;).... this holds true today. 

The highlight of my drive back from their school happend when Sam started telling me a tale about how his teacher wanted him to make me something. This made me very curious, since I've only met his teacher twice and I'm quite sure she would get him to make his grandmother or someone else something before me. I asked him what he was going to make me and he went on about a picture and then said a heart. It was all quite cute and made me feel quite special (sometimes its ok to exploit 5 year olds compliments, if it helps you get through the day ;)). Then he went on to say that I am his favorite. The kicker of the story- all of this happened after I promised to buy him and Kayla a snack. I then asked adorable little Sam (he truly is a little cutie pie) if the reason I'm his favorite is because I'm buying him a snack. He replied with extreme honesty, "yes", hahaha!!

Conversely, and with a melancholic twist, I also met with one of my adult clients today, we'll call her Tammy. Tammy is one of my moms who I really have grown to cherish, even though I am left heartbroken after almost every visit with her. She usually cries during interviews and today was no exception. Back when I first started in June, Tammy was my first parent interview. She started crying during this meeting, and I of course teared up during this meeting. I left that interview with a haunting feeling that I'm not cut out for my job, but since I've grown more stregnth in withholding my tears. During this interview Tammy discussed her stregnths and I know for a fact that she exaggerated in many of her stories about her past or her present misfortunes that have led her to today. Ironically enough, she also talked openly about many weaknesses that she was not prompted by me to bring up. Her honesty and deception left me conflicted almost to the point of tears, much differntly from how the earlier carride with Kayla and Sam had left me in laughter almost to the point of tears. 

I've always hated deception and been painfully honest with both myself and others, which makes for a very interesting life. My job and the general process of growing up has abruptly taught me that the world does not share this view. Why do people lie? I think children like Kayla and Sam lie because they are shaping a reality and see reality as they want to, they are hopeful the world is going to be as they depict it. Kayla and Sam have been through a lot and undoubtably they are probably more jaded than I'd like to hope, but children have an ability to endure hopefully in the midst of adversity. Adults seem to lie for a completely different reason, it seems as if sometimes adults like Tammy lie in order to gain favor in the world. What, however, is behind this selfish motive? A lack of hope? I think so. In life, people often become hopeless that the good will perserve and turn to misdeeds or oddly enough they turn to lying to themselves in order to catch any glimpse of hope they can. 

What does this all mean? Lying isn't as simple as I once believed. It is more innocently based in insecurity and even sometimes hope. I still have not changed my conviction that lying should be avoided. I have, however, learned, as I do almost everyday in my job, to reserve judgment and to examine the lies in my own life. With this I encourage you to do the same and to encourage honesty in others. Encouraging others to be honest not through judgmental eyes, but as a person that people can feel comfortable to tell the truth around. If Sam can tell me the truth at the expense of not getting another snack from his caseworker, then you can do it at the expense of feeling vulnerable or whatever may be holding you back from the truth.