Frightful Reality

Life is a constant cycle of ups and downs. In this cycle, we must be the constant. Peace does not come from the absence of frightening events or the inability to be excited, peace comes from the ability to weather these events without shattering our relatively stable realities. I realize I am a far cry from this goal and also realize how important this goal will be for everything I hope and dream to be and do in this world. I realize this is true for myself, but it is also almost undoubtedly true for everyone in this complicated world. Each person presenting this struggle through various neurosis, lashings out, self defeating attitudes, and paralysis.

When I begin to feel hopeless in my profession, which in turn begins making me feel hopeless in my own life (because at this point I realize that I cannot quit my job without giving up on my whole system of beliefs). I question where these feelings come from. Is it a feeling of fear for the individuals I feel hopeless in helping? Is it out of fear that I am actually useless because of my often fruitless efforts? I begin to realize it is a mixture of both and that the two fears have an enmeshed relationship that is inseparable. This is where I realize the importance of "counseling" or "therapy". Counseling, therapy, and other alternative forms help individuals reach the roots of their harmful thoughts. I understand that these feelings of hopelessness come from seeds within myself of feeling inadequate and also seeds within myself that sometimes hinder myself from being able to trust in a healthy way. I say in a healthy way because often I want to trust too much while other times I hold back any trust. In rooting these fears, I then realize how ludicrous this seems. I think " I am responsible for only my actions, I know right from wrong, I have good intentions.. why then do I feel so guilty or scared?" I don't have this answer, but in consciously retracing my thoughts, I am reminded that I have the ability to have power over these fears and to overcome these feelings to be my most whole and powerful self.

This all may sound very different and vague, but I'm realizing it is not something I should do, but something I have to do or I will continue to live with debilitating anxiety and never truly show love or receive it the way it should be.

I spent today with the little girl I've mentored for the past five years after helping babysit around 60 foster children all morning. After spending a day truly pouring into others, I was able to see hope in my ability to truly overcome this fear. I also acknowledged how much I have grown in this, even if I still have so far to go. I may feel very exhausted in life right now, but growth is exhausting, and truly living, whether "good or bad" is not supposed to be restful. The rest comes when one reaches the balance they need, but most of life is the growing process.

Never stop growing, loving, and living and do all three in the absence of fear.