Days like today remind me that I'm human. Days like today are quite frequent of late. Today was Valentine's day, a day so heightened with emotions. It seems everyone has an opinion on Valentines Day. I of course joined in on this trend and always had the philosophy that it is a beautiful thing to celebrate love and embraced "love" every fourteenth of February. I'd never had a romantic valentine on the day until last year and up until this point, that philosophy suited me fine. I'd usually make all my loved ones something, send care packages, and try to spread a little extra "love" in anyway I could make time. Last year was the first time I actually had a "Valentine" and I got sick on he day and irregardless i think I enjoyed my previous celebrations better than the traditional cliche romance. Granted that Valentine's was nothing special and the boy didn't even make reservations, but whatever. Then there is this year, the first year I've had someone to miss.
Oddly enough, or maybe not so oddly, I had no time to think of most of this today. I had to get up at 4:30 this morning to get to work at 5:15 so I could grab some paperwork and run to pick up a child and place her in a treatment facility. As I was driving to pick her up in the break of dawn when it is still so quiet you can hear your thoughts, I decided to check my voicemails from the weekend. Doing this jolted me into reality, I found out that one of my other "children" had been put in jail over the weekend. No, they don't put children in jail, but I have several children over 17 on my work load and they do put them in jail and not juvenile detention. Somehow, in the calm of morning, I was able to push back the overwhelming feelings and deal with the present. I, for the first time, forced myself not to take responsibility for this child's mistakes, and I continued on. I spent the rest of the morning forcing myself to comfort the other child who was being admitted into a program that she clearly didn't want to join. She ended up crying before the admission was complete. On limited sleep, little food, and a plate full of emotions, I continued on the day trying to make phone calls while driving through atlanta traffic (something that I SHOULD NOT do :)). Then back to the office for meetings and the reality of how much there is to do.
By the time I got home at 5, all I wanted to do was sleep and cry, but instead in an effort to make the hard decisions in a moment that will help me stay healthy. I went for a long, cathartic run and I cried. I cried for my "little" darlings, as someone so sarcastically once called some of the juveniles I work with that are involved in the juvenile justice system. I feel odd saying this, but I do think of them as "my little darlings" even though I cringe at the way someone had once stated this to me. A darling is someone charming and when I work with these young adults I can't help but think of the small, innocent children on my caseload and how these young adults were once in the same position, but didn't have the supports or resources or make the choices to put them in a different place. These young adults are not, and nor will they grow up to be monsters. Despite how much they may wind up in jail or "failing" the system, they are human and I have seen their capabilities. Yes I've seen the manipulation and the anger, but I've also seen the love they have for their families. I cried for their families and for the children they once were. I cried selfishly for all the people I miss. I cried for all the romantic heartache that some of my loved ones are experiencing. Mainly I just cried for release and it felt so nice. I think sometimes tears are my way of praying. I never was very good or should I say felt very natural in the "normal" types of prayer. It is in these raw emotional moments that I feel closest to God and feel as if he sees and hears everything I am feeling.
It is days like today, where I feel like I've lived an entire month in just one day, that I realize I will be alright and "it will be alright (whatever "it" may be- poverty, declining families, greed, heartbreak...). If I can survive a day like today then I come out so much stronger. It is hard to see the light. I saw the light today in realizing that I did not loose my temper or give up today. I tried to love as best I could in a day when I wanted to be selfish and crawl back into bed at almost every moment. After my run I was blessed to have a group of amazing young women to share a meal and time with.
So this Valentine's day I realized that this day and every day would be a lot better if love were really the focus. Sadly on this very "hallmark" holiday people only focus on materials and angst or ecstasy over some extravagant gesture. Instead the day should be more about genuine affections for life and each other and the struggles and triumphs we all undergo.
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