If I could change one thing about myself, I often immediately go to my heart. I wish my heart would be less loyal. I wish my heart would be less sensitive. I wish my heart would be less caring. Then my brain starts to kick in and I realize that if this were the case, everything good about myself would also change. I am loving, kind, and heartful. These are not bad things, but they constantly get me in predicaments that cripply my productivity and leave me feeling broken. I know this isn't unique to myself. I know that much of the world has the same problem. How do we solve this problem?
Do we use logic and ignore our hearts? This would make the world a dark and heartless place. Do we hold back the loyalty, sensitivity, and care when we fear it will hurt us? Do we continue to break ourselves down, until naturally we become so broken that we have no more power to love or care. Do we become jaded?
The answer must be no. The answer must be that we use our brains and our hearts in combination. We learn to love and communicate openly. We use each broken piece of our heart to help mend the hearts of others and in the process of mending ourselves we also learn. The heart and the brain are not discretionary organs. They are intricately intertwined. If I were a scientist, I'm sure there is also great scientific psychological and physiological experiments that I could site to back up this opinion, but I also have concrete evidence from the way my body feels and the emotional roller coasters I've witnessed in other's lives, that this is true.
With this solution, I have to stop and agonize about how truly blessed I've been in my life and how hard resilience is for me? This is one of the hardest parts for me about being a social worker. I see so much heartbreak in so many deserving peoples lives, children at that matter, who have had no choice. How then can I expect strength in them, when often they have no one to comfort them through life altering trauma. I on the other hand have handfuls of loved ones who will listen to me pour out my tiniest heartbreaks, and even I sometimes push my loved ones away. How can I expect others to have faith and trust that I who is getting paid for my job really cares, and is my care even valid? My care doesn't easily discriminate. Social workers are traditionally very forgiving and loving people. My care and concern is easy to come by. Supply and demand principles show that this makes my love less valuable.
I know this all sounds very depressing, and not so hopeful, but this is how I feel at least once a week these days and I can't get past my logical side to realize that maybe I'm not cut out for this. Maybe I'm just too faint hearted, and maybe my love doesn't discriminate enough... maybe not maybe.
In all of this; however, I do not loose hope in the idea that we should not give up on fighting the world's dilemma's with dignity, kindness, and compassion. I also, am not hopeless, but I cannot lie and say I'm not desperately discouraged. I'm in need of taking time for myself, but I don't know how to do this. I don't see a solution right now, that will not rip my heart out. I do see how blessed I am to have so many beautiful supports in my life who put up with much more than they should. I find my hope in the humanity and compassion of others.
This humanity is not limited to my loved ones or even my co-workers, but there is an intense humanity (sometimes stronger) in the clients that I work with. A humanity that deeply humbles me and shakes me to my core. A humanity that causes me to feel dirty in many of my previously self righteous attitudes. A humanity that brings me to tears and to my knees in prayer and thought to a power of good much larger than I can ever wrap my thoughts around.
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