It really makes you wonder

Tears glided down my face not once, but twice, in public. I tried very hard to stop them, but they wouldn't. It wasn't a typical frustrating cry that has on an occasion plagued me in my cubicle, but they were tears filled with hope and then later, quite different tears, filled with sadness and hopelessness.

The first set of tears came after a court hearing that resulted in my first case closure. Being new to my job and being who I am, my confidence can be waivering. For a worker in my position, closing a case is a very big step. This family that I worked with was one of the first cases I got and I had grown very fond of both the mother and daughter in the case. In addition to my fondness, there was an obvious positive change that had taken place in their lives because of services that had been in their home. In the court hearing, the mother wrote her attorney a note that was more insightful, honest, and moving than any rambling I do. The mother simply stated that she had been getting ready for bed and that her daughter had stated to her that she didn't want to do the things her mother had done and that she was glad that this had all happened and they had made it through because it had taught her to be strong. I had been unable to stop a few tears at the beginning of this hearing, but I was not able to stop the tears that came when I heard this.

When the second tears came, they were much more silent and deep. I witnessed an eight year old having to be tied gurney kicking, screaming, and tears streaming down his face. I don't want to elaborate on this situation. I only want to state that I'm realizing how mental health needs to be acknowledged as highly correlated to circumstances in someones environment. A child does not act like this because they are born "crazy", but act like this because they are lost and if they don't have support then they could reach the tipping point. I'm learning just how much crisis and lack of opportunity there can be in this world for certain people. Sometimes the lack of opportunity comes from personal decisions, but so often it also comes from circumstance and resources. I'm learning that doing something about all of this is harder than I'd ever imagined, despite the warnings.

Even though my job is now twice as hard and I'm even more tired, I feel twice as skilled and I've seen growth in families. The more time passes the more I'm also trying and sometimes succeeding at separating myself (something I'm certain I'll never master). In the meantime, pray that the state will realize the importance of better programs and more funding for our children and families (especially the ones in need!).